Hello and welcome to Hedger Corp. Right now, new stories aren’t being added to this site, but you can:
- Like “Hedger Humor” on Facebook (where short Hedger Corp updates are being posted).
- Read the stories that have already been posted here. Over to the right you’ll see “Stories From the Beginning.” There they are, in order, so you can dive into Hedger Corp history and learn about the drama, the surprises, the twist, the turns… the astonishingly low productivity.
Thank you for visiting.
It’s been a couple months since I’ve updated you on Hedger Corp. My apologies. I was drawn away by work, travel, illness and preparation for a “Dance Off” that I ultimately did not win.
But enough about me. Let’s check in on Sue and the van driver. As I’m sure you recall, they were trying to find a unicorn so they could mix unicorn tears with moonshine. That’s what the van runs on: Unicorn tears + moonshine. Perhaps you have a car like this. If so, you know how incredibly frustrating it can be.
Last we saw, a professional (?) Unicorn Chaser advised Sue to find a leprechaun. Since then, Sue and the van driver have been traveling all around the country, in search of a rainbow. They’ve been everywhere. Everywhere, I tell you.
So far no luck.
Meanwhile, Ann and Bob have been loving their new gourmet kitchen (constructed on the site of what used to be their cubicles).
It’s become quite the hangout, actually.
But the employees are about to learn something they never expected… the kitchen isn’t what it seems.
CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC!
Friday! Bob and Ann have been anxiously awaiting this day, ever since they received a note telling them a BIG CHANGE was in store.
When they arrived at work they saw that I had demolished the wall separating their cubes, destroyed all their office furniture, and hired a crew to build a gourmet kitchen. Their offices were gone. Surprise!
The contractor welcomed them to their new space. He was a bit of a close talker.
Bob and Ann were confused. A kitchen? Why a kitchen??
They felt there was more to this story, and they were right.
Meanwhile, Sue and the van driver went down to the local cafe to meet up with The Unicorn Chaser.
They looked around, and were pretty sure they spotted the right guy.
He saw them approach, and stood up to greet them. His hat was impressive, his arm gone.
“Tell me about your need,” he said, once everyone was settled.
Sue explained that she had won a car, and later learned that it didn’t run on gasoline. It only ran on unicorn tears mixed with moonshine.
“That’s inconvenient,” The Unicorn Chaser shrewdly noted.
Then he stared into the distance. “Let me think…” he said.
“This is so complicated,” he whispered to himself.
Everyone was silent.
“What’s six times twelve?” he finally asked.
“Seventy-two!” shouted the van driver. (He’s such a math nut.) “Six times twelve is seventy-two!”
“That’s worse than I thought,” said The Unicorn Chaser. Then he stood up. “I must leave now,” he told Sue.
“But what about the unicorn tears? What should I do?” asked Sue.
“Oh, right. That’s easy,” said The Chaser. “You need to find a leprechaun. A leprechaun will lead you to directly to a unicorn.”
Then he was off.
Moments later, the cafe owner appeared. “That gentleman ordered twelve pieces of cake and did not pay,” he informed Sue. “At $6.00 per piece, that’s a total of…”
“Seventy-two dollars!” the van driver shrieked.
“I know,” said the owner. “I was going to say that.”
Unfortunately, Sue and the van driver had to cover the bill. But Sue wasn’t upset — she was too preoccupied thinking about the leprechaun. She would have to act fast, because St. Patrick’s Day was rapidly approaching. It wouldn’t be easy, but she had a pretty good idea of how to find a leprechaun…
“Let’s go,” she said to the van driver.
Next: Kitchens, leprechauns and unicorns… oh my!
Was it good news that Sue’s new car would only run on moonshine and unicorn tears?
No it wasn’t.
But did she wallow in self-pity or cry out, “This is ridiculous! Forget the van! I have better things to do than search for moonshine and make a unicorn cry!”
No. She did not.
I mean, my God, she should have. Jeez! But instead, she decided to tackle the unicorn issue first.
She and her van driver spent hours visiting really weird websites–no doubt infecting the Hedger Corp network with countless new viruses–until finally they found a man named “The Unicorn Chaser.”
They made arrangements to meet him down at the local coffee shop.
Meanwhile, Bob and Ann were walking to their cubicles when they noticed something strange in the hallway. It looked like… a giant note?
Indeed it was a note. From ME.
Hmm. Well, that was unsettling.
And what did GET READY even mean? Get ready how? And for what?
Bob immediately dropped into plank pose, to begin toning his muscles and strengthening his core.
Ann just stood there, and let waves of anxiety wash her away to an unhealthy mental state.
Next: What will Sue learn from the Unicorn Catcher? What is the “big change” that is coming? Stay tuned…
The van that Sue recently won is a mystery to everyone. Where did it come from? How come it’s so hell bent on peace, freedom and smiles? And why no cup holders?
Sue and the van driver got online to do a little research.
They were surprised to actually locate an owner’s manual. It was on a strange website, and you could not view the manual online. You could only purchase it. The price was $79.99 and shipping and handling was another $1,999, which seemed high. But Sue pulled the trigger.
Once she made the purchase, she was able to view ONE page from the manual. And what she saw was not good.
Next up: Moonshine and unicorns
This year Ted came to work dressed as a Valentine Box of Love.
It was really random.
It was also somewhat inconvenient. For example, it was difficult for him to get around. At one point he was shuffling toward the breakroom…
And 35 minutes later? Still shuffling.
When he finally got there, he saw the table was full of treats. Mmm!
Unfortunately: no arm holes.
This “no arm hole” situation also made it somewhat difficult for him to work.
Tomorrow: An update on Sue and her van.
Sue liked the fact that she won a van, but did not like taking the van out on actual streets. The little driver guy was skilled, but this whole “put a brick on the accelerator” and “lie down sideways to steer” strategy was not as safe as it sounds.
So if she couldn’t use the van outside, Sue decided to try it in the office.
The pro was that she could get everywhere really fast, without exerting any energy.
The con was that the only way to stop the van was to ram it into a cubicle wall.
Next: Sue gets some disturbing news about the van.