What went down today
Friday! Bob and Ann have been anxiously awaiting this day, ever since they received a note telling them a BIG CHANGE was in store.
When they arrived at work they saw that I had demolished the wall separating their cubes, destroyed all their office furniture, and hired a crew to build a gourmet kitchen. Their offices were gone. Surprise!
The contractor welcomed them to their new space. He was a bit of a close talker.
Bob and Ann were confused. A kitchen? Why a kitchen??
They felt there was more to this story, and they were right.
Meanwhile, Sue and the van driver went down to the local cafe to meet up with The Unicorn Chaser.
They looked around, and were pretty sure they spotted the right guy.
He saw them approach, and stood up to greet them. His hat was impressive, his arm gone.
“Tell me about your need,” he said, once everyone was settled.
Sue explained that she had won a car, and later learned that it didn’t run on gasoline. It only ran on unicorn tears mixed with moonshine.
“That’s inconvenient,” The Unicorn Chaser shrewdly noted.
Then he stared into the distance. “Let me think…” he said.
“This is so complicated,” he whispered to himself.
Everyone was silent.
“What’s six times twelve?” he finally asked.
“Seventy-two!” shouted the van driver. (He’s such a math nut.) “Six times twelve is seventy-two!”
“That’s worse than I thought,” said The Unicorn Chaser. Then he stood up. “I must leave now,” he told Sue.
“But what about the unicorn tears? What should I do?” asked Sue.
“Oh, right. That’s easy,” said The Chaser. “You need to find a leprechaun. A leprechaun will lead you to directly to a unicorn.”
Then he was off.
Moments later, the cafe owner appeared. “That gentleman ordered twelve pieces of cake and did not pay,” he informed Sue. “At $6.00 per piece, that’s a total of…”
“Seventy-two dollars!” the van driver shrieked.
“I know,” said the owner. “I was going to say that.”
Unfortunately, Sue and the van driver had to cover the bill. But Sue wasn’t upset — she was too preoccupied thinking about the leprechaun. She would have to act fast, because St. Patrick’s Day was rapidly approaching. It wouldn’t be easy, but she had a pretty good idea of how to find a leprechaun…
“Let’s go,” she said to the van driver.
Next: Kitchens, leprechauns and unicorns… oh my!
Unicorn Tears and an Unexpected Note
Was it good news that Sue’s new car would only run on moonshine and unicorn tears?
No.
No it wasn’t.
But did she wallow in self-pity or cry out, “This is ridiculous! Forget the van! I have better things to do than search for moonshine and make a unicorn cry!”
No. She did not.
I mean, my God, she should have. Jeez! But instead, she decided to tackle the unicorn issue first.
She and her van driver spent hours visiting really weird websites–no doubt infecting the Hedger Corp network with countless new viruses–until finally they found a man named “The Unicorn Chaser.”
They made arrangements to meet him down at the local coffee shop.
Meanwhile, Bob and Ann were walking to their cubicles when they noticed something strange in the hallway. It looked like… a giant note?
Indeed it was a note. From ME.
Hmm. Well, that was unsettling.
And what did GET READY even mean? Get ready how? And for what?
Bob immediately dropped into plank pose, to begin toning his muscles and strengthening his core.
Ann just stood there, and let waves of anxiety wash her away to an unhealthy mental state.
Next: What will Sue learn from the Unicorn Catcher? What is the “big change” that is coming? Stay tuned…
Sue learns disturbing information about the van
The van that Sue recently won is a mystery to everyone. Where did it come from? How come it’s so hell bent on peace, freedom and smiles? And why no cup holders?
Sue and the van driver got online to do a little research.
They were surprised to actually locate an owner’s manual. It was on a strange website, and you could not view the manual online. You could only purchase it. The price was $79.99 and shipping and handling was another $1,999, which seemed high. But Sue pulled the trigger.
Once she made the purchase, she was able to view ONE page from the manual. And what she saw was not good.
Uh oh.
Next up: Moonshine and unicorns
Ted goes all out for Valentine’s Day
This year Ted came to work dressed as a Valentine Box of Love.
It was really random.
It was also somewhat inconvenient. For example, it was difficult for him to get around. At one point he was shuffling toward the breakroom…
And 35 minutes later? Still shuffling.
When he finally got there, he saw the table was full of treats. Mmm!
Unfortunately: no arm holes.
This “no arm hole” situation also made it somewhat difficult for him to work.
Sigh.
Tomorrow: An update on Sue and her van.
In the meantime, you can also read about Hedger Corp’s Valentine’s Day last year…
Sue takes her winnings to the office
Sue liked the fact that she won a van, but did not like taking the van out on actual streets. The little driver guy was skilled, but this whole “put a brick on the accelerator” and “lie down sideways to steer” strategy was not as safe as it sounds.
So if she couldn’t use the van outside, Sue decided to try it in the office.
The pro was that she could get everywhere really fast, without exerting any energy.
The con was that the only way to stop the van was to ram it into a cubicle wall.
Next: Sue gets some disturbing news about the van.
The van: problems emerge
So Sue was named “Most Productive Employee of the Week” and won the van. Hooray!
Double hooray because I really needed to get rid of that van. You have no idea. I would explain, but I don’t want to endanger your life bore you.
Sue was elated, of course. But problems presented themselves right away. For instance, the van was pretty small. There was absolutely no way Sue was going to fit inside.
Thankfully, the van came with a driver. A friendly little chap with a firm, albeit tiny, handshake.
Unfortunately the van was so small, the driver didn’t fit very well either. So he had to throw a brick on the pedal and then lie down across the front seat and try his best to steer. It wasn’t ideal.
Sue had to lie on top and hold on for dear life. Things got pretty hairy on the freeway.
Plus there was a lot of honking and jeering from other drivers.
Sue was starting to rethink her winnings.
Next: Van trouble continues.
Results are in!
So let’s see where we’re at with this whole “Most Productive Employee of the Week” thing. Who will win? Who will receive the van?
To review…
Ann made me buy her some Red Bull, and during her caffeine high she started to reorganize all her files. Unfortunately, she crashed halfway through the project.
After drinking one huge can of cola, Bob switched to another soda that he thought was caffeinated. It wasn’t.
He spent about 50 percent of the week asleep, head-down on his desk, and the other 50 percent running to the bathroom.
Chachi found a tie, then upped the ante by adding an ill-fitting (but nicely pin-striped) jacket. He struck several poses that communicated “leadership” and “productivity.” I was impressed.
Ted napped next to his “productivity” poster, and had a dream that he was incredibly productive. In this contest, dreams about productivity do count, so he became a strong contender.
Derek secured our computer network, repaired the broken copier, organized all of our corporate records, successfully defended us in a critical lawsuit, filed our taxes for 2011, cleaned the crumbs out of all the keyboards, and saved an endangered polar bear from certain death.
And Sue? Sue carved my name out of wood.
Congratulations, Sue! Look at what you accomplished last week. It is amazing, and I love it. You win, hands down.
Ah, sweet victory. Enjoy the moment, Sue. And someone go get that van from the mailroom! Let’s give the gal her prize…
Next: Sue has to deal with the van
