Phone Wars
This is a recap of the story that appeared on the Hedger Corp Facebook Page the week of 11/17/14.
It was a normal Monday morning. Until Ann sauntered in with an iPHONE 6 PLUS. Boom!
The employees oohed and aahed appropriately, but when they retired to their cubes, they thought about their own mobile device situations. And their situations were not good.
Ted hasn’t upgraded his phone since 1997.
Sue got her phone when tiny devices were all the rage. Unfortunately she bought the tiniest phone on the market at the time; a phone that was so miniscule people couldn’t even see the screen. She has never even used it, but it beeps and rings all the time, which is disconcerting.
But no one had it as bad as Bob. His “mobile phone” was simply a landline headset, yanked from its base.
Ann was using her iPhone 6 Plus all the time. During coffee breaks, she would subtly position it on the table, so she could inconspicuously keep an eye on incoming texts or emails. I think she got away with it.
The problem: She had trouble getting around with the phone. She created this tube-skirt-meets-fanny-pack holder and she was scooching around in that for a while.
But it didn’t end well.
Mobility problems aside, Ann was riding high with her new technology. She was the talk of the office. But then on Thursday, Derek showed up with a new Samsung Galaxy.
Checkmate, Ann.
At this point, everyone was totally distracted by the new phones. So on Friday morning I confiscated ALL mobile devices. I plan to sell them later on eBay and use the money to buy myself something nice. But I’m not totally cold-hearted. I issued each employee a gently used fax machine.
Don’t say I never did anything for these people.
The Disaster That Was Chachi’s Party
My assistant Chachi was in the office this week. I realized when I saw him that he’s coming up on five years with Hedger Corp. Way to go, Chachi!
I told Derek to organize a celebration. Derek idolizes Chachi, and looked a little panicked about organizing a party, so I gave him some helpful advice: “Make it perfect and DON’T screw it up.”
Derek sprinted back to his office and started Googling “party planners.”
There was only one party planner available on such short notice. She called her business “Outraged Parties,” which gave Derek pause. Did she mean “Outrageous” or “Outraged“?
Oh, whatever. What could he do? He scheduled an appointment to meet her the next day at 9 am.
The meeting took place as planned.
With extreme horror, Derek realized she was the same person who ran our “Productivity Workshop” back in February.
This did not bode well for Chachi’s party.
Things went from bad to worse pretty fast. The party planner summoned a rag tag team of “helpers” and took over the main conference room. We assumed they were planning Chachi’s party, but it was honestly hard to tell.
Derek felt a panic attack coming on.
The next day, Derek met with the party planner. He tried to ask her about Chachi’s party, but all she did was grunt. Also, she wouldn’t make eye contact. So they sat there in uncomfortable silence.
Suddenly the party planner shot up into a dramatic pose. Derek leaned against his desk and prepared for the full-blown panic attack he knew was imminent.
The plan for Chachi’s party was coming together.
In a disturbing, disturbing way.
Someone wisely called the authorities, and they showed up to talk to the party planner. They advised AGAINST setting the copier on fire and throwing furniture around. They felt it could lead to an “angry, people-getting-arrested” vibe that might undermine the festivities.
On the day of Chachi’s party, Derek wasn’t sure what to expect. But he came dressed in his high-waisted jeans, mirroring Chachi’s favorite look.
The employees waited a LONG time for the party to start. I would not say that a lot of work got done.
The problem was, there really wasn’t much left to the party plan. The authorities had crossed off the activities they deemed “too insane.”
But there was still one item left…
So where was the party planner? And where was the cake?
At last, the party planner arrived with the goods.
Just when we thought, “Hey, maybe this party planner isn’t so bad,” a man appeared. FROM INSIDE THE CAKE.
He didn’t pop out. No, he rose slowly… in a dignified way.
Then he strode away without a word.
Everyone was like, “What the hell was that??” Then Chachi checked the cake to make sure there were no other people in it.
There were no more people.
Oh, but there was one thing. AN IRATE LION.
Who bakes a MAN and a LION into a cake? Is that even a thing??
Anyway, as you can imagine, the party fell apart after the irate lion burst out of the cake.
Happy freaking anniversary, Chachi.
And party planner: You’re FIRED!
Ted Discovers Something Amazing
This is a recap of the story that ran on the Hedger Corp Facebook Page the week of 11/3/14.
It was Monday morning and Ted was in dire need of white-out. He set out to visit the Hedger Corp supply cabinet. But he was nervous. His past visits to the supply cabinet had been… unsettling.
Ted arrived at the supply cabinet, and thankfully nothing was amiss. He opened the cabinet, ready to retrieve some white-out. Well, think again, Ted. The Hedger Corp supply cabinet is only stocked with three things: a giant box of Corn Pops, a headshot of John Tesh, and an arm.
Ted was frustrated. He needed white-out, not a headshot of John Tesh!
But then he noticed an enclave next to the supply cabinet. He peeked around and saw the company mascot standing next to an item that was about to change everything…
Crime-scene tape. Ted found crime-scene tape in the Hedger Corp supply area, and immediately used it to cordon off his office.
You know, so he could get work done.
Later, he used the crime-scene tape to seal off part of the breakroom. The part with the pastries and coffee. Ann and Derek were S.O.L.
His crime-scene-tape spree continued the next day, when he sealed himself off in the men’s restroom so he could watch the Saved by the Bell movie.
Then Ted took everything to a new level. He wrapped himself in the tape so he would not be expected to contribute during the “Leveraging Optimization” meeting.
Later, Sue happened upon him in the hallway–still cocooned in the tape. At this point, we did not know if Ted was napping or dead.
Soon, official-looking people showed up to assess the whole “Ted-wrapped-in-crime-scene-tape-and-either-napping-or-dead” situation.
The authorities determined that Ted was alive. Then they informed him that it is a crime to use crime-scene tape when there is no crime. So lying in the hallway wrapped in crime-scene tape actually created a crime scene and now they had to deal with it.
Ted was hauled away.
Hmm… just in time to miss the afternoon’s “Core Competency Empowerment” meeting. Well played, Ted. Well played.
Next week: Derek throws a party for Chachi, but things don’t turn out as planned…
We Made a Hiring Mistake. Sort Of.
Here’s a recap of the story that appeared the week of 10/27/14 on the Hedger Corp Facebook Page.
The week started out with Charles from HR introducing a new employee. She seemed a bit… I don’t know… weathered? Also, her hand fell off right after she was introduced.
Problems surfaced pretty quickly. All the new employee did was stand around all day taking deep, raspy breaths. No working. No conversing. Just deep, raspy breathing. It was more than a little unsettling.
But there WAS good news. Remember how the new employee’s hand fell off? Well, that detached hand kept moving—crawling all around like a spider.
That’s not the good news.
The GOOD news was that the hand was surprisingly productive. It was typing up reports and made a mean pot of coffee.
In fact, the employees bonded pretty quickly with that severed hand.
I realized I needed to fire the new employee when she spent the entire staff meeting lying on the conference room table, just breathing those freaky breaths. Bob was trying to present about Healthy Workplaces, but you could barely hear him above all the raspy gasping for air.
It was awkward to tell the new employee to leave. It was even more awkward to tell her that we were hiring her productive hand. But the most awkward moment of all was when she had to wave goodbye… to her own hand.
Next: Ted finds something life-changing in the Hedger Corp Supply cabinet.
Do not hire this productivity consultant
I have to admit, my track record with hiring consultants is not great. Some of you might remember Sweet Cheeks.
I hired him in 2011 to give a presentation on “Appropriate Behavior in the Workplace.”
Umm… oops.
This week, I tried to whip my employees into shape by hiring a productivity consultant. The first inkling of trouble was when she arrived in a bathrobe. Covered in cats.
She was supposed to give a 45-minute talk. Instead, she stood there, frozen in place, while her cats roamed around intimidating the employees.
Ted, who is allergic to cats, arrived 20 minutes late. He took one look at the situation and fainted dead away.
Ted was dragged onto a table to recover. But the cats took to him like a shaggy rug in sunlight. It couldn’t have been good for his allergies.
Finally, 35 minutes into her “presentation,” the productivity consultant finally moved.
“CATS!” she screamed. “RETRIEVE THE MACHINE!”
The cats did as instructed and returned with a large yellow box. We couldn’t tell what it was…
… until they hoisted it upright.
It was a Pac-Man arcade game.
The line formed quickly.
Hmmm. I’m starting to wonder if I’m getting my money’s worth from this consultant…
Welcome to Hedger Corp
Hello and welcome to Hedger Corp! After a long hiatus, office updates are once again being posted on this site. That is, whenever we can get our act together to post them. Here are two things you can do if you’re interested in learning more:
- Like “Hedger Humor” on Facebook (where short Hedger Corp updates are sometimes posted).
- Read the stories that have already been posted here. Over to the right you’ll see “Stories From the Beginning.” There they are, in order, so you can dive into Hedger Corp history and learn about the drama, the surprises, the twist, the turns… the astonishingly low productivity.
Thank you for visiting.
Finally. An Update.
Hello.
It’s been a couple months since I’ve updated you on Hedger Corp. My apologies. I was drawn away by work, travel, illness and preparation for a “Dance Off” that I ultimately did not win.
But enough about me. Let’s check in on Sue and the van driver. As I’m sure you recall, they were trying to find a unicorn so they could mix unicorn tears with moonshine. That’s what the van runs on: Unicorn tears + moonshine. Perhaps you have a car like this. If so, you know how incredibly frustrating it can be.
Last we saw, a professional (?) Unicorn Chaser advised Sue to find a leprechaun. Since then, Sue and the van driver have been traveling all around the country, in search of a rainbow. They’ve been everywhere. Everywhere, I tell you.
So far no luck.
Meanwhile, Ann and Bob have been loving their new gourmet kitchen (constructed on the site of what used to be their cubicles).
It’s become quite the hangout, actually.
But the employees are about to learn something they never expected… the kitchen isn’t what it seems.
CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC!
Stay tuned…
What went down today
Friday! Bob and Ann have been anxiously awaiting this day, ever since they received a note telling them a BIG CHANGE was in store.
When they arrived at work they saw that I had demolished the wall separating their cubes, destroyed all their office furniture, and hired a crew to build a gourmet kitchen. Their offices were gone. Surprise!
The contractor welcomed them to their new space. He was a bit of a close talker.
Bob and Ann were confused. A kitchen? Why a kitchen??
They felt there was more to this story, and they were right.
Meanwhile, Sue and the van driver went down to the local cafe to meet up with The Unicorn Chaser.
They looked around, and were pretty sure they spotted the right guy.
He saw them approach, and stood up to greet them. His hat was impressive, his arm gone.
“Tell me about your need,” he said, once everyone was settled.
Sue explained that she had won a car, and later learned that it didn’t run on gasoline. It only ran on unicorn tears mixed with moonshine.
“That’s inconvenient,” The Unicorn Chaser shrewdly noted.
Then he stared into the distance. “Let me think…” he said.
“This is so complicated,” he whispered to himself.
Everyone was silent.
“What’s six times twelve?” he finally asked.
“Seventy-two!” shouted the van driver. (He’s such a math nut.) “Six times twelve is seventy-two!”
“That’s worse than I thought,” said The Unicorn Chaser. Then he stood up. “I must leave now,” he told Sue.
“But what about the unicorn tears? What should I do?” asked Sue.
“Oh, right. That’s easy,” said The Chaser. “You need to find a leprechaun. A leprechaun will lead you to directly to a unicorn.”
Then he was off.
Moments later, the cafe owner appeared. “That gentleman ordered twelve pieces of cake and did not pay,” he informed Sue. “At $6.00 per piece, that’s a total of…”
“Seventy-two dollars!” the van driver shrieked.
“I know,” said the owner. “I was going to say that.”
Unfortunately, Sue and the van driver had to cover the bill. But Sue wasn’t upset — she was too preoccupied thinking about the leprechaun. She would have to act fast, because St. Patrick’s Day was rapidly approaching. It wouldn’t be easy, but she had a pretty good idea of how to find a leprechaun…
“Let’s go,” she said to the van driver.
Next: Kitchens, leprechauns and unicorns… oh my!
Unicorn Tears and an Unexpected Note
Was it good news that Sue’s new car would only run on moonshine and unicorn tears?
No.
No it wasn’t.
But did she wallow in self-pity or cry out, “This is ridiculous! Forget the van! I have better things to do than search for moonshine and make a unicorn cry!”
No. She did not.
I mean, my God, she should have. Jeez! But instead, she decided to tackle the unicorn issue first.
She and her van driver spent hours visiting really weird websites–no doubt infecting the Hedger Corp network with countless new viruses–until finally they found a man named “The Unicorn Chaser.”
They made arrangements to meet him down at the local coffee shop.
Meanwhile, Bob and Ann were walking to their cubicles when they noticed something strange in the hallway. It looked like… a giant note?
Indeed it was a note. From ME.
Hmm. Well, that was unsettling.
And what did GET READY even mean? Get ready how? And for what?
Bob immediately dropped into plank pose, to begin toning his muscles and strengthening his core.
Ann just stood there, and let waves of anxiety wash her away to an unhealthy mental state.
Next: What will Sue learn from the Unicorn Catcher? What is the “big change” that is coming? Stay tuned…
Sue learns disturbing information about the van
The van that Sue recently won is a mystery to everyone. Where did it come from? How come it’s so hell bent on peace, freedom and smiles? And why no cup holders?
Sue and the van driver got online to do a little research.
They were surprised to actually locate an owner’s manual. It was on a strange website, and you could not view the manual online. You could only purchase it. The price was $79.99 and shipping and handling was another $1,999, which seemed high. But Sue pulled the trigger.
Once she made the purchase, she was able to view ONE page from the manual. And what she saw was not good.
Uh oh.
Next up: Moonshine and unicorns
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