Choosing a Mascot

Earlier this week I decided that Hedger Corp. needed a mascot. Some sort of animal or object that would represent us; tell the world what we’re about. Maybe even bring us some luck or (going out on a limb here) motivate the employees.

I gathered the staff in the breakroom and told them they each needed to present one mascot idea. Everyone began thinking while our intern, Grandma Bernice, continued with her morning nap.

The next day, Derek brought in a statue of Neytiri from Avatar.

She is graceful, brave and epic. In other words, nothing like Hedger Corp. Nice try, Derek. Now take this statue back to your living room.

Bob presented a statue that was somewhat less graceful and epic.

He said it was “Toodee” from the TV show Yo Gabba Gabba, but no one here watches Yo Gabba Gabba (since, you know, we’re not four years old). Bob tried to claim that Toodee represented fun and mirth. Derek said she looked needy and weird, and predicted he would have several nightmares about her. The bickering continued, until Hot Mailroom Guy arrived to take Toodee away. Thank you, Hot Mailroom Guy. You’ll be getting a nice year-end bonus.

The next day, it was Ted’s turn to present a mascot. He suggested his dog, Mr. Bojangles.

Mr. Bojangles is accustomed to plush carpets, fluffy blankets and expensive doggy beds. Unfortunately, our cheap institutional carpet frightened him. He ran around, disoriented and yipping wildly, then emptied his bladder on Bob’s left shoe.

It was the highlight of Ted’s week.

Ann’s contribution was a pony named “Mystic Sparkle Magic.” She offered no explanation as to where the pony came from, why it was mint green, or how it maintained such dramatic windswept hair even though there was no wind.

The pony was quite dramatic, and very caught up in her own mysticness. She danced about, posing and tossing her mane to and fro. Somehow, during all the prancing, Derek got caught up in her tail.

Sue stayed up for three days straight working on her idea: a Moose carved out of wood. Her hands were blistered, her back was sore, but she was proud of her work. As the others “oohed” and “ahhed,” Ted felt a chill run through him. Had the moose just looked at him then quickly looked away? He couldn’t tell…

It was at this point that Grandma Bernice suddenly appeared.

Evidently she had heard us discussing mascots that day when she was napping. Trailing behind her was…

…an enormous bull.

He would not budge.

He was there during meetings…

During lunch…

And during Sue’s important presentation to business partners.

Eventually, everybody just got used to him.

He was unproductive, unnecessary and just plain odd.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have found our mascot.

Thank you, Grandma Bernice!