Wellness Initiative, Part I

Fresh off the goal-setting workshop, Sue came in Monday morning to post Hedger Corp’s 2011 goals.

But as she was attaching the goals to the wall, she noticed a new banner hanging nearby…

She studied the banner for a while, trying to figure out how much she should worry. Then she heard someone clear their throat. She spun around to find…

a lunch lady?  

What is going on here, thought Sue.

She summoned the other employees to the breakroom, and they were equally perplexed.

After standing perfectly still for 30 minutes, the lunch lady suddenly gathered everyone around and began shouting that she was not, in fact, a lunch lady. She was a nutritionist! Specializing in raw, organic matter! She was here as part of the new “Get Fit or ELSE” campaign! Her role: to force everyone to eat healthy in 2011!

Then she asked the employees what they had eaten for breakfast that day. Derek thought about his triple-king-size Snickers.

But that was at least better than Bob, who had just eaten a bucket of trans fat.

When no one answered her breakfast question, the nutritionist passed out multi-vitamins that she had personally manufactured. They were large. Alarmingly large. It was going to take a lot of water to get those puppies down.

After that, she launched into some nutrition goals for 2011. The U.S. food pyramid suggests around three servings of vegetables per day. The nutritionist was a tad more ambitious, and ordered the employees to eat 290 servings of vegetables per day.

This news did go over well.

Soon after this mayhem, lunch was served. And that’s when the employees realized that the nutritionist doesn’t believe in cooking anything. She advocates for raw food ONLY, including pasta. Lunch was a cornucopia of nuts, spaghetti (raw), an enormous pear, and some turnips.

Chachi stopped by with a broccoli floret, but that didn’t do much to rally the troops. The only person who was excited was Derek, because he got to enjoy some quasi-quality time with his idol.

As the week wore on, employees tried to find ways to cope with the new “Get Fit or ELSE” initiative.

Bob found a donut website and secretly stared at pictures for hours on end.

He was unaware that, down the hall, Ann had a huge stash of donuts under her desk. The employees (minus bob) took turns enjoying the donuts and coffee, and guarding the cube from the nutritionist, who was patrolling the office.

Slowly, the days passed. All food was banished from the office, except for the food the nutritionist brought in. Everyone kept expecting her to just disappear, like so many of their other problems. But no. She remained.

And by the look of today’s lunch, things aren’t getting better anytime soon.

Next week: Wellness Part II – an exercise expert visits the office.