Wellness, Part III

The Get Fit or ELSE campaign continued this week, with Vince (exercise guru) trying to whip the employees into shape.  

On Tuesday morning Vince summoned everyone to the gym for a yoga demonstration. The poses he showcased were quite advanced. At one point he balanced himself on his head for two hours, while humming the theme song to Rocky.

He stretched in ways that looked… not normal.  

But it was his final move that stunned everyone. He called it “mid-section separation,” and noted that it was only achievable if you reached the highest possible level of yoga superconsciousness. 

It was a disturbing move. So very disturbing. 

The employees opted not to try “mid-section separation” and instead chose “downward-facing dog.” Bob just tried to touch his toes. He wasn’t even close.

And that’s when the employees found out why the strange leprechaun assistant was there. As Vince explained to Bob, anyone who was too weak would need to go to the snack bar and have a “time out” with the leprechaun. At first Bob welcomed this news, as it would give him a much-needed break, as well as a much needed snack.

But then he started to notice things about the leprechaun. For instance, the leprechaun had NO respect for personal space.  

He would do weird things. Like set out two pairs of scissors, with the pointy ends facing Bob’s chair.   

He later unveiled a huge, demented-looking saw.

And what was with all the staring? The leprechaun would stare intently at Bob and not move at all. He wouldn’t even blink. Just stare…

Bob vowed to redouble his efforts in the gym.

By the time he joined the crew again, Vince had taken them outside for a “running in sand” exercise. 

Then it was time for some climbing challenges.

Everyone was exhausted after this, so Vince let them back into the gym. But he only allowed them to rest in “plank position.” This position was not restful at all, though it did help strengthen their ab muscles.

Back outside, Vince announced the next work out: Stairs. The employees had to climb up and down 45 times. It would not be easy.

Ted, Ann, Sue and Derek managed to finish the stairs early by NOT doing 45 loops, but rather just one loop. They snuck back to the gym to see what Vince was up to — and determine if they could somehow escape.

Lo and behold, they saw the nutritionist! She had been playing Space Invaders with Grandma Bernice, but then the computer froze. Our computers are from 1996, so it takes them a while to reboot. The nutritionist figured she had a good 90 minutes, and decided to track down the employees.

She entered the gym and was surprised to see Vince hanging a poster of Richard Simmons.  

Vince explained that Richard was his idol.

It was Vince’s life-long dream to co-produce an exercise video with Richard… perhaps an updated version of “Disco Sweat.”

Alas, Vince had never met Richard, nor did he know how to contact him. Still, he held onto his dream.

The very mention of Richard Simmons’ name caused a wave of memories to wash over the nutritionist.  

Not only did she know Richard, she had co-written a moderately successful book with him in the 1980s.

Then she remembered something important: Richard still owed her $40. She told Vince of the book, and the money owed — and they vowed to track Richard down. First they would demand the $40. If needed, they would pin him to the ground and wrestle it out of his wallet. Then they would sit down with him and pitch the idea of “Disco  Sweat 2.”

It was a solid plan. They shook on it.

And with that, they were off.

The employees, relieved but very sore, hobbled back to the office to gather their things and go home. 

Meanwhile, Bob was still doing the stairs, unaware that the Get Fit or ELSE initiative had all but imploded. He was on loop number 5, with 40 to go.  

Next week: Back to the office! While the employees settle in to normal work, Bob becomes haunted by something he never thought he’d see.