What Happened on Valentine’s Day

Monday, of course, was Valentine’s Day. So I decorated the office with some festive posters.

Around mid-morning, the UPS guy arrived with an exciting delivery: A bunch of candy hearts the employees had ordered.

They place a big order for this candy every year. Not to give to anyone, mind you. They just like to eat it. 

But this year things were different.

Bob, Ann and Derek started reading the nice sentiments that were written on the hearts…

And each of them could think of someone who deserved a nice candy-heart message.

Ann thought about Hot Mailroom Guy. Maybe this was the perfect time–and the perfect way–to announce the feelings she’d been hiding for so long…

Bob thought about Grandma Bernice, and how she had gotten rid of the leprechauns that were stalking him. I mean, yes, it turned they just wanted to give him money. But no one knew that at the time, and Grandma Bernice had acted selflessly and bravely.

Derek thought of his idol, Chachi, and decided he needed to send him a message via the hearts. He agonized over which hearts to send. Finally he decided on a mix of encouraging wishes, with a vague hint of a “Best-Friends-Forever” relationship in the future.

Then all three employees got ready to put their heart messages into inter-office envelopes.

That’s when the building security guard burst into the room.

This happens a lot. The guard loves to burst into rooms. 

Most of the time he announces an emergency drill. He concocts all sorts of drills:  Earthquake, fire, lightning storm, plague outbreak, barbarian invasion. You name it, the employees are prepared for it.

Today’s drill was “fire during a tornado, against a backdrop of civil unrest.”

He rounded everyone up and ordered them to evacuate to the parking lot.

This is where things took a turn.

While the employees were out in the parking lot, my personal assistant Chachi stopped by with a big tin of “Bittersweets.” These are candy Valentine hearts from one of my favorite suppliers, Despair, Inc.

I find the products created and sold by Despair uniquely fit the culture of our office. Over the years, I’ve ordered many items. I especially love the wall-sized posters. The latest one I tried out was called “Legacy.”

So when I learned that Despair made Valentine candy, I HAD to get some. I knew they would not feature boring, run-of-the-mill “Luv U” messages. And indeed, they did not disappoint.

NORMAL CANDY HEARTS:

CANDY HEARTS FROM DESPAIR, INC.:

See what I mean? Good stuff.

Were these messages “appropriate” for the office? Without a doubt, yes.

I asked Chachi to distribute the candy to everyone. 

A while later, after the “fire/tornado/social unrest” drill ended, the employees were allowed back into the building.

But by now it was time for lunch. And this group DOES NOT like to miss any of their lunchtime. Bob, Derek and Ann rushed to finish what they’d started, and stuffed the candy in the envelopes.  

They left their packages in the bin for Hot Mailroom Guy to pick up.

Maybe you can guess what happened next.

That’s right: A mix-up.

In their rush to get the packages stuffed, all three employees had accidentally put Bittersweet candies in the envelopes, instead of the nice candy hearts they were planning to send. It was an honest mistake. They hadn’t even noticed that new candy had been handed out. (It didn’t help that Chachi placed most of the new candy face down, so the messages didn’t show. Oh, that Chachi!)

Anyway, the whole thing got very awkward, very fast.

Derek’s plan to send Chachi some messages of encouragement and friendship didn’t quite work out. Chachi opened the envelope and saw a note that said, “I hand-picked these candy messages for you! From, Derek.”

Then he read the hearts.

The “Angel” heart didn’t make it to Grandma Bernice. Instead, she received a less-than-heartwarming message from Bob. 

As for Ann? Well, the Hot Mailroom Guy opened his envelope while he was in the breakroom. But there was no “Crazy 4U” message to be found. Instead:

When Hot Mailroom Guy looked up at her, Ann gave him a knowing smile and nodded her head. Unfortunately, this made her look even more dorky.

She thought it was odd that Hot Mailroom Guy sprinted out of the room. Maybe he was just grabbing his wallet so he could take her out somewhere fancy. 

But seconds later, Derek made an alarming discovery.

Why was there a candy heart with a bitter message on it?

Bob, Ann and Derek started looking around. Suddenly they saw dozens of Bittersweet candy hearts. They were all over! What was going on!?

With horror, they realized that their nice hearts–the ones they were planning to give–were still sitting in the breakroom.

Not good.

The mix-up became clear. Derek prepared to throw up.

He was interrupted by the UPS guy, who was back with “Part II” of my Valentine gift to the office.

It was Despair, Inc. poster, featuring a good reminder about whining.

It looked great, as I knew it would.

What a lovely addition to our breakroom. I could tell the poster really lifted everyone’s mood. It was a happy Valentine’s Day indeed!  

Next week: The security guard returns–and brings friends. But this time there is no emergency drill. Instead, the guards are here for the biggest event that’s ever happened in our office. Don’t miss it.

Bonus: One last note on Despair: They’ve made some short, highly informative videos about the art of demotivation. Find them here.