The Temp Assignment

The week started out with a visit from Charles, our HR guy. He was wearing his weird tasseled shirt-jacket again. Doesn’t he own anything else?

Anyway, he announced that Hedger Corp was going to be hiring a temporary employee. There was a big project that had to be completed, and we knew none of the employees would do it.

Later that afternoon the candidates showed up for interviews.

I don’t think we attracted the cream of the crop…

But one candidate, Ben, did stand out. He was a young go-getter who was eager to learn and ready to work hard. Plus he had piercing blue eyes.

Unfortunately, right as Charles was about to hire Ben, Derek arrived with his niece, Bobbie-Jo. Derek insisted that she be hired as the temporary worker. She was trying to get into horse-grooming school, and she desperately needed some work experience for her resume.

Bobbie-Jo seemed pleasant enough. And dependable. But there was one problem: her arms were fused to her body.

Charles from HR insisted that we hire someone who could move their arms–at least a few inches up and down, side to side. But Derek argued passionately for his niece.

In the end they were both hired, with the understanding that Ben would lead the project and Bobbie-Jo would stand nearby and smile encouragingly.

Ann briefed them on their assignment.

Their mission was to go down to the basement and retrieve all the files stored on the old abandoned Hedger Corp computer.

It was something we had attempted a long time ago. The situation did not end well.

That was long ago, however. It was time to try again.

Ann went on to explain that no one knew what was on the old abandoned computer. There could be critical data–information that would forever alter the company’s future. She told Ben and Bobbie-Jo to print everything they found, organize the documents, and then present the information to the staff. Then she gave them a bunch of folders. The hot pink color was shockingly bright. It hurt Ben’s eyes, yet he couldn’t look away.

Down in the basement, they assessed the situation. The computer was enormous. And the room seemed like it hadn’t been used since… maybe 1989? Ben couldn’t be sure.

Off in the corner there were some posters. And a skeleton covered in floppy disks.

Both of them wanted to get the job done as soon as possible, but they had no idea what commands to give the computer. They took turns jumping on the keyboard, hoping to hit the right combination of letters, numbers and/or special symbols.

It didn’t seem to be working.

Ben grew frustrated. He thought this temp job would teach him about business, leadership and management. Instead, he was battling an ancient computer in a creepy basement with the remnants of a dead body in the corner. NONE of this had been mentioned in the job description.

He took a moment to gather himself. Then, as he was standing over by the New Kids on the Block poster, a strange thing happened. He felt the spirits of Jonathan, Jordan, Joey, Danny and Donnie whispering to him. “Hang tough,” they advised. “We’re gonna put you in a trance with the funky song.”

It was just the encouragement Ben needed. He took a deep breath, stood tough, and strode purposefully toward the computer.

Then he leaped into the air. A magnificent leap.

He landed, and moved about the keyboard, letting the NKOTB spirit guide him. Bobbie-Jo watched from the sidelines, impressed.

Ben’s moves were magical. And they worked like a charm.

The files automatically began to print.

About 80 hours later, Ben and Bobbie-Jo emerged from the basement, files in hand. The staff gathered around, eager to find out what had been stored on the old abandoned Hedger Corp computer.

The opened the files. But the more they looked, the more confused they got. What WAS all this stuff?

Gradually they realized they were looking at pages scanned from old clothing catalogs. Specifically, catalogs from The J. Peterman Company. There were things like this:

And this:

And this:

The computer also contained more than 5,000 documents featuring unicorns. No words, no explanations. Just unicorns.

A hard drive full of unicorns and old catalog pages wasn’t exactly the Holy Grail Hedger Corp had been expecting. It was hard to see how any of this would help the company. Really the only thing it was good for was decorating the breakroom.

Oh, but it DID inspire Chachi to get more daring with his wardrobe.

As for Ben and Bobbie-Joe, they were compensated with a huge pack of Juicy Mullet gum.

Ben was surprised. Where was the money? Shouldn’t they be getting a check? He didn’t enjoy gum OR mullets. And he certainly didn’t like them in combination.

Alas, neither Ben nor Bobbie-Joe had read the fine print on the contract they signed.

You have got to read the fine print, people. Let that be a lesson to you both. I’m glad Hedger Corp could teach you something valuable after all.

Next week: Things get out of control when the staff tries to kill a spider.