What Happened With Derek

Let’s check in with our friend Derek.

As you recall, Derek was ordered to complete a week of therapy following the “Cone of Solitude” debacle a few weeks ago. (His co-workers Bob and Ann are in therapy too, but today we focus on Derek.)

You may also recall that Derek’s therapist is a strange fellow who, as my friend Krista pointed out, looks a lot like Star Trek’s Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

Jean-Luc Picard              Therapist

An uncanny resemblance! That would be cool, wouldn’t it? Imagine Derek joining the Star Trek crew. Wearing a cool Star Trek uniform. Hanging with Riker and the gang. Defending the Federation. I don’t really know what I’m talking about here. But it sounds awesome!

Sadly, Derek had no such luck. He was stuck with his weird therapist… in a counseling session that seemed like it would never end.

At one point the therapist struck a pose. He stood there, frozen in place and asked, “Would you rather I do this pose…”

He repositioned himself, then finished the sentence: “Or THIS pose?”

Derek rolled his eyes.

The therapist moved on to another question: “Would you rather purchase THIS sock?”

“Or THIS sock?”

Derek had no preference. Both socks were too wild for his taste.

No matter. The therapist didn’t wait for an answer. Instead he dashed out of the room, then returned pushing an enormous book. As he situated the book he asked, “Would you rather review the material in this book…?”

Then he shoved that book to the side and brought in another.

“Or THIS book?”

Derek’s heart sank. He preferred the “Would You Rather” book over “Principles of Naval Architecture, Volume 1: Stability and Strength.” But the therapist already seemed insanely fixated on “Would You Rather” questions. Derek had a feeling the book was only going to exacerbate the situation.

And he was right.

The therapist opened the Would You Rather book to page two and read aloud:

“Derek!” he yelled. “Would you rather have living eyebrows that crawl about your face

OR

leave a trail of paprika wherever you go?”

Then he produced a cue card to remind Derek of the question.

Living eyebrows? Paprika trail? What kind of therapy was this? Derek shut his eyes and prayed that when he opened them all this would be gone.

But the therapist would have none of it.  “Derek!” he yelled again. “Listen carefully! This next one is complicated.”

Derek reluctantly opened his eyes.

The therapist read from page 103: “Would you rather become increasingly intelligent with the consumption of alcohol, but also become increasingly convinced you are Gloria Estefan

OR

have a firm grasp of Roman numerals but look exactly like Weird Al Yankovic?”

Hmm. That was a lot of information to take in. Derek found himself becoming distracted by the thought of Gloria Estefan’s song Conga. “Come on, shake your body baby, do the Conga,” he sang softly to himself.

He was interrupted by the therapist, who was now reading from page 100.

“Derek, would you rather be good with computers but have an incredibly moist left foot

OR

be regarded as the greatest diorama maker of all time but have a friendly midget permanently strapped to you, papoose style?”

Derek had no idea how to respond. But this time the therapist seemed to want an answer.

“Well, Derek?” he said impatiently.

Derek was irritated. Since when did he actually have to answer these ridiculous questions?

He needed a way out, so he asked to go to the bathroom. His request was granted.

Finally, he found some peace and quiet! But as he sat there, he began to think about the Would You Rather questions…

He thought about the whole computer/moist foot/diorama/midget question. He would love to be good with computers. That would be amazing. But was it worth having an incredibly moist left foot? Maybe it would be better to be the diorama maker, even with the little person strapped to him.

What did “incredibly moist” mean, anyway? How moist was incredibly moist?

And what about the whole Gloria Estefan question? It would be great to become increasingly intelligent with the consumption of alcohol. But it would be problematic to become increasingly convinced he was Gloria Estefan.

Would it be possible to drink enough alcohol to become intelligent without becoming Gloria? Where was that balance? How many drinks would that be?

Suddenly the bathroom door flew open. “Derek, do you need my assistance?” the therapist asked.

Derek jumped. What the?!! He could think of NO situation where the answer to that question would be “yes.”

Alas, it was clear that bathroom time was over. The two headed back up to the office, where the therapist had another question ready.

“Derek, would you rather gyrate spastically in front of your best friend’s parents for a full two minutes

OR

wear an obscenely revealing thong bathing suit to the beach?”

As Derek considered this, the therapist leaned forward with some insight.

“I’ve done both,” he said gravely. “And neither ended well.”

Derek shook his head. Surely this nonsense had to be ending soon.

“Now a question from page 12!” the therapist yelled.

“Would you rather always introduce yourself and others in the style of a professional wrestling announcer. ‘From parts unknown, weighing in at 155 pounds…!’

OR

have your legal name changed to Pumpy?”

As this burning question hung in the air, another man suddenly entered the room.

The therapist immediately stood up. “Dr. Neal!” he exclaimed.

The tall man slapped the therapist on the back. “Hello!” he said. “I’m sorry I’m so late. I see you have been taking care of my patient. Thank you for that.”

Derek froze. This new guy seemed like he might be the doctor. But then who was the bald guy?

“I see you met my assistant Patrick,” said Dr. Neal. “He’s a bit of an inquisitive chap, I’m afraid.”

Dr. Neal stood up and bent down to Derek’s level. “Derek,” he said, “I am here to help you with your many, many issues. Together we will explore your deepest fears and dreams. I will be asking you very difficult questions. Questions that will seem too personal, but your honesty is essential. While you are here you will talk to me, you will draw pictures, you will journal, you will compose a heartfelt song or poem.”

He lightly patted Derek’s back. “You will cry,” he said gently. “You may even sob. This is normal. You are safe here. I want you to let it all out.”

Suddenly Patrick spoke up.

“OR!” he yelled. “Would you rather hang out with ME in the reception area and continue to ponder deep questions.”

“Shhh…” said Dr. Neal, still patting Derek’s back. “Patrick, he doesn’t want to do that. He needs to cry some things out.”

“Derek!” Patrick yelled again, “What would you rather do?”

It was the easiest question Derek had been asked all day.

Moments later he was settled into the reception area, mulling over the Gloria Estefan/alcohol question. But Patrick was already on to other pressing matters. “Derek!” he yelled. “Would you rather fight Mike Tyson or talk like him?”

Next week: What has Ann been hiding? During therapy her secret is finally revealed — and you won’t guess what it is.