How the Office Redesign Went Down

This week, Derek, Bob and Ann finally returned from their counseling sessions.

They walked in, ready to take their first coffee break of the day, but then they stopped in their tracks. What was that awful smell?

Sue welcomed them back, and explained that a terrible odor had taken over the office. She advised them to buy face masks.

Ted listened to the conversation and tried not to get involved.

Did he smell the smell? Of course he did. It was terrible. Was he going to admit it? No way. Because he knew the source of the trouble…

He had been bringing his dog, Mr. Bojangles, to work with him.

This was strictly against Hedger Corp policy, but Ted had been through some pretty rough times recently…

And Mr. Bojangles was his rock.

The problem was that Mr. Bojangles was always thirsty, so Ted was constantly having to give him water.

And when Ted was off at meetings, Mr. Bojangles would take care of business on the office carpet.

This had been going on for some time, and the smell was reaching epic levels. Chachi was especially distressed. Right after Bob, Derek and Ann returned, Chachi dragged himself into the breakroom to make an announcement.

He told everyone that he had called an “Office Rejuvenator” to come and re-do the office. New carpet. New walls. Whatever was needed to get rid of the smell. Upon hearing this news, Ted sprinted toward his cube. He needed to hide Mr. Bojangles before the Office Rejuvenator arrived and started poking around!

Minutes later, the Rejuvenator entered. He carried a briefcase and a gun.

Without a word, he set the gun down and opened his briefcase. He took out a lint-remover and placed it on the table.

“This office smells like someone ate asparagus, then went number one all over!” he declared.

Then he continued: “I am going to rip everything out. Then I will suggest several new designs for your office. These designs will be shocking, impressive and edgy, much like a GUN.” To underscore the metaphor, he held up his gun.

“Right now your office is tired, boring and sad, like a lint remover!” he said, as he balanced the lint remover on his arms.

“We’re going to move this place from lint remover to GUN!” he declared. “Now get out of here! I have work to do!”

The employees began to evacuate. Ted hid Mr. Bojangles in an overnight envelope that he found in Bob’s cube. It had a bunch of papers in it, and was addressed to a company in India.

It would be bad if Mr. Bojangles was accidentally shipped to India, thought Ted. It would be really bad.

Ted started to hyperventilate as he imagined what would occur. There would be a tracking number, so he could see exactly where Mr. Bojangles was during transit. But what would happen when he arrived in India? Would the workers there regularly quench Mr. Bojangles’ thirst and let him sip out of a mug?  Likely not. They would probably shove a doggy bowl at him. Ted shuddered.

The moment Ted stepped outside he set the envelope down and told Mr. Bojangles, “You are free now. Go wait for me by my car, little buddy.”

Mr. Bojangles gave Ted a look that said, “Thank you for not letting me be shipped to India.”

Ted returned that look with a look that said, “I would never let that happen.”

Then Mr. Bojangles returned that look with a look that said, “I think I had an accident on the papers in this envelope.”

And Ted gave him a look back that said, “That is okay. These papers are Bob’s, and I don’t care about them at all.”

While all this non-verbal communication was happening, the other employees waited for the Office Rejuvenator to return.

Finally, he kicked the door open. “Are you ready to see what a ‘gun’ design looks like, you lint-rollers?!” he asked.

Curious, the gang headed back into the building.

The second they entered the breakroom they found themselves ensconced in cow hide. The only remaining item of furniture was the water cooler.

They took it all in.

The smell of the cowhide was noticeable. It was nowhere near as bad as the other smell. But still… not great.

Then Chachi rolled in, and seemed highly disturbed by the whole thing.

“Depart!” yelled the Office Rejuvenator. “I will prepare option 2!”

Once again, the staff found themselves waiting outside. Chachi was enjoying the cowhide-free air.

Then they were summoned back into the building.

The second attempt involved many colors and patterns. Perhaps too many. Derek found himself instantly overwhelmed and fell over like a tree.

Then his leg shot off his body. Was this unnerving leg injury caused by the room design? No one could say for sure. But it seemed like a bad sign.

Everyone went home at that point, and Derek, clutching his leg, hopped to the doctor.

The next day they reviewed option 3, a simpler design. It was an all-black room. And the only thing in the room was an out-of-order copy machine.

Option number 4 was similar, except that the copy machine was gone and in its place was a toilet.

A toilet would be more productive than a busted copy machine, but the employees were concerned about the lack of walls. Did they really want an open, co-ed toilet in the middle of the breakroom? Might that invite some awkward moments?

On the following day, the Office Rejuvenator unveiled option 5.

Unfortunately, Bob happened to be wearing a sweater with the same pattern.

Everyone agreed they did NOT want an office modeled after Bob’s clothing.

Finally, on Thursday it was time to see option 6. With denim flooring and a huge mural that captured the company’s spirit, option 6 became the clear front runner.

Chachi especially appreciated the floor. (He LOVES denim.)

But they all agreed the mural was too much. Too shocking, too edgy, too… gun. They employees asked the Office Rejuvenator to show them what a “lint remover” design might look like. Just for comparison’s sake.

The Rejuvenator delivered the bland concept, certain it would convince the employees to try one of the other options. Other than new flooring, the “lint-remover” option was almost identical to what they’d had before. BORING!!

Alas… the staff loved it. Without question, it was the design they wanted — even if it was the boring, “lint-remover” option.

As they employees celebrated their “new” look, the Office Rejuvenator leaned over a table, and prepared to throw up.

Later, Hedger Corp. received a bill for all the improvement work. It was $215,040 over budget and something about it seemed a touch… emotional. At least as far as invoices are concerned. Or maybe it was just our imagination.

Next week: When Coach Kent arrives to conduct a mid-year performance review, the staff is forced to remember what goals they were supposed to be achieving.