Wait. Is it JUNE?

The week started out normal enough.

Derek and Bob were arguing over where the fire extinguishers should be placed. Derek wanted an arrangement that “looked cool” while Bob preferred an arrangement that “provided safety.” They could not meet halfway. Secretly, Bob was also irritated because no one — NO ONE — had said anything about his new ponytail hairdo.

Meanwhile, Chachi was ensconced in denim AND enjoying new denim carpeting in his cubicle. (As noted last week, he loves denim.)

And Ann was conducting some Internet research on a personal matter.

Suddenly Ted burst onto the scene. “Coach Kent just pulled up to the building!” he yelled.

Indeed, Coach Kent was outside, trying to find a parking spot.

The employees started to freak out.

Coach Kent is a motivational business consultant who is in charge of making sure Hedger Corp. stays on track to meet its 2011 corporate goals.

The staff knew Coach Kent was supposed to lead a “Mid-Year Review” workshop, but that had to be months away! What month was it, anyway? April? Was it already April?

The employees had no idea. There is no calendar in the office and no one had really been keeping track of the time.

Well, actually there IS a calendar in the office. But it belongs to Derek and he keeps it hidden.

He doesn’t even use it as a calendar. He doctored the pictures, and now he just sits in front of it, imagining the day when he and Chachi, his idol, will become Best Friends Forever.

Unfortunately for the staff, it’s NOT April, it’s JUNE.

And that means it’s time for a mid-year review. Hence, Coach Kent.

Once they figured this out, they entered into panic mode.

There WAS a corporate goal. They knew there was a corporate goal. They had come up with it at the Goal Setting Workshop in December.

But what was it?

Luckily, Coach Kent likes to engage in a number of stretches and warm-ups before he leads a workshop, so they figured they had about 30 minutes before he arrived in the office. Thirty minutes to remember the goal and then achieve 50% of it.

The room was quiet as everyone concentrated.

Then Ann broke the silence. “Leverage!” she shouted.

Yes! That sounded right. The goal had something to do with leveraging. Ted volunteered to be the whiteboard guy, and captured the thought.

“Has anyone leveraged anything this year?” he asked desperately. “Anyone?”

The employees were deep in thought. Leverage… leverage…

Then Derek, seemingly possessed by an invisible corporate force, spoke another word: “OPTIMIZE.”

Optimize! That sounded familiar too!

Ted got to work.

Now what had to be optimized? And how did that impact the leveraging?

Hmm…

For a hopeful moment the employees wondered if maybe they could optimize leverage. Kill two birds with one stone. Could leverage be optimized? Or were those words both verbs? It was hard to tell. But it seemed like “optimizing leverage” was something that could be done… if everyone worked together.

Mercifully, Derek offered another idea: “Chachi’s cubicle is optimized,” he said. “Let’s put that down as an accomplishment.”

This was true. Chachi’s cube was unquestionably awesome. Not only did he have the whole denim carpet thing, he had recently added a baby shark to his fish tank.

They felt good that they had identified an optimized thing. But Coach Kent would probably be expecting more.

“We are leveraging a lot of fire-retardant devices,” Sue said.

Good point, Sue. Ted captured the input.

Somehow the summary of accomplishments still felt a little thin.

Then Derek remembered something. They had established TWO goals during the Goal Setting Workshop — and one of them was to learn the moonwalk.

In a flash, it all came back. Yes. This was correct. Derek had a natural ability to moonwalk, and he was supposed to be teaching the others how to do it. It was one of the 2011 corporate goals.

Derek began lessons immediately.

Derek tried his best, but everyone struggled. The moonwalk is hard. There is no getting around that.

But then, out of nowhere, Ted busted out with the move. He didn’t know how. He didn’t know why. But suddenly he was moonwalking. And doing it really well.

He was afraid to stop. He was fully in the zone, and when you’re in the zone, you don’t stop.

So he kept moonwalking in a big circle.

He jotted down whatever notes he could as he moonwalked past the whiteboard.

Sue went to check on Coach Kent and returned with alarming news. He seemed to be finishing his warm-up exercises. That meant he would be arriving in the office any minute!

Full panic set in. There had been no leveraging. No optimizing. Yes, there was one incredible moonwalk demonstration – still ongoing – but that was IT!

What were they going to do?

Just then Grandma Bernice strolled in.

The room fell silent. It seemed like Grandma Bernice might have some advice. Some words of wisdom, gleaned from 80+ years on this planet, that would make everything all right.

“What the HELL happened to your hair, son?” she yelled at Bob.

Next week: Coach Kent arrives on the scene, ready to talk business. But the meeting does not go the way the employees expect. Not at all.

Note that the story will appear Monday, July 4. (Three days later than usual.) No, we’re not planning some big 4th of July surprise. Hedger Corp. just has a conflict next weekend. So Monday it is! The boss has spoken!