What’s Appropriate? Sweet Cheeks Explains

October 24, 2011

As you know, I felt like our staff needed a refresher course in appropriateness. I was seeing some things (Bob dressed as Lady Gaga) that, frankly, gave me nightmares.

But where do you look when you want to hire an “Appropriateness Coach”? Do you go down to Wal-Mart and stand outside the store, asking strangers if they are, by chance, Appropriateness Coaches? No, you don’t.

Seriously. Do not do that. It was disastrous.

Craig’s List was more promising. In fact, when I searched for “Appropriateness Coach,” Sweet Cheeks’ profile popped up immediately. He had a few other services listed, none of which I can list here. Good God. But what Sweet Cheeks does in his spare time is not my concern. I needed an Appropriateness Coach and I needed one now.

So he was hired. Sight unseen.

I have to say, we were somewhat surprised by the outfit he selected.

I mean, if you’re going to wear a Speedo, maybe just go with black, right? Or red. That would be a more classic look.

Anyway, then Bob arrived and something seemed a bit weird with him too. Were those… leather pants he was wearing? And was he… taller than usual?

Then they saw his shoes:

The heels! The stiletto heels that Bob had complained about when he was Lady Gaga. Why was he still wearing them??

But there was no time to figure this out because Sweet Cheeks ordered everyone to sit.

“Let’s get APPROPRIATE!” he screamed at the top of his lungs. Then he performed some deep lunges.

Derek really wanted the lunging to stop.

“Hey! If you see a co-worker in the hallway, what do you do?” Sweet Cheeks suddenly asked the group. “Do you punch him and keep punching ’til he’s near death?”

That didn’t seem right. A couple of employees shook their heads no.

“NO!” yelled Sweet Cheeks. “No. What are you, crazy?”

Then he spoke in a whisper. “You jump him and pin him to the ground, to remove any threat he may pose. THEN you punch.”

The room was silent.

Ted wasn’t sure what the others thought, but he loved this advice. He could think of a few people he’d like to immobilize and punch.

Sue raised her hand. “What if you need to give that co-worker a file? Should you give the file first, then pin them–or pin them, then deliver the file.”

“You pin them, then you hit them over the head with the file repeatedly,” Sweet Cheeks informed her.

“You are my hero,” whispered Ted.

“But then what if that person tries to get revenge?” asked Sue.

“Then you hire a hit man and ‘get rid of the problem’ once and for all,” Sweet Cheeks explained.

Thirty seconds into the Appropriateness Workshop and the quasi-nude speaker is telling employees how to murder each another? Things seemed to be veering a bit off course.

From there, Sweet Cheeks launched into a bunch of other topics. He talked about the importance of “building up an arsenal of office supplies”…

And how to apply face paint in a way that reinforces your outfit. “Which is hopefully a leather outfit,” he added, nodding approvingly in Bob’s direction.

During the coffee break Sweet Cheeks grabbed Derek’s coffee and started guzzling it down. This was very upsetting to Derek. You see, Derek has this whole complicated thing he does with his coffee. He uses lots of special ingredients, a milk foamer, a food processor and a blow torch.

“This tastes intense,” said Sweet Cheeks. “Like my chest.”

Then out of nowhere, Chachi’s girlfriend arrived.

Everyone froze.

She was tall, exotic and mean. (Nothing like Joanie!) The employees hadn’t seen her for a long time. In fact, last they’d heard she’d left Chachi for a dashing fellow who wore fancy tunics and no pants.

Now she was back.

“Where is Chachi?” she asked.

Sweet Cheeks tossed a bunch of labels at the employees and told them to identify things that were “appropriate” and “inappropriate” in the office. Then he dashed over to Chachi’s girlfriend, his muscles flexed to the hilt.

When the employees finally took their seats, Sweet Cheeks whipped out his cell phone. “Oh no!” he said in an overly dramatic, bad-actor sort of way. “I have to leave immediately. My cat… is… robbing a liquor store!”