Jenkins!
I had to have a talk with Ted this week.
For a while now, he has been posting strange things on my Facebook wall. Maybe some of you saw these messages.
The first one questioned our company’s character:
The second one involved some sort of (hopefully staged) murder:
Still later, there was a threatening message about a corporate takeover.
Maybe it’s just me, but when one of your employees starts posting things on your Facebook wall about violent homicides and hostile takeovers, it’s probably time for sit-down.
The employees don’t like to meet with me because I’m larger than them. It can be intimidating.
I was ready for Ted to apologize. Maybe give me some flowers, an iPad or the new MacBook Air — something to make amends. But no. Instead, he insisted that the person posting the messages was NOT him. He claimed it was his evil twin brother, Jenkins.
I was skeptical.
But Ted was adamant.
Then he pointed something out. The posts not only featured his twin brother, they were coming from the company where his brother worked. A place called Dubbs Corp, run by a tyrannical leader, Jobe Dubbs.
Ted was right. That’s exactly where the posts were coming from.
I told Ted he better take care of this issue STAT. He immediately set off to find his brother at Dubbs Corp.
Soon enough, he arrived at the corporate headquarters–a building designed and inspired by the CEO himself.
Dubbs Corp is a somewhat shady operation. The company’s stated mission is to “Clean every penny in the world.”
Hmm… pennies? And yet the CEO drives a Lamborghini that is towing a private Cessna jet that is towing a 100-foot yacht? I’m serious: He just tows all that stuff around behind his Lamborghini. It takes him forever to get anywhere, but I guess he’s making his point, right?
Anyway, I’m willing to bet that Dubbs Corp is into more nefarious activities — despite what their marketing material says.
Ted began searching for his brother. Finally, he found the right cubicle.
Jenkins was sitting on his desk, surrounded by pennies, pictures of the CEO, and a group of ne’er-do-wells.
Dubbs Corp had the same institutional carpet as Hedger Corp. The same color too: “Drabnessocity.”
A wise choice, Dubbs. But I can’t say I agree with your choice of wall decor.
The brothers approached each other. Ted was somewhat paler than his twin, but otherwise the resemblance was uncanny.
“I knew you would eventually come if I kept posting those Facebook messages,” Jenkins said. Then, for emphasis, he banged on a large drum.
Ted was startled. His nerves were on edge.
He looked to the left. Who were these other characters? What was with that overly happy picture of the CEO? And why the guitars? Nothing seemed to make sense.
“I have formed a band,” Jenkins announced. “I lured you here because we are making a music video and you need to be my stunt double.”
After delivering this news, Jenkins leaned back in his chair and relished his dastardly plan.
Ted began to sweat. A stunt double? This was not good. Jenkins could be very persuasive, and often manipulated Ted into doing things he would NEVER normally do. Like the time he convinced Ted that men everywhere were embracing the “ballerina look” as the latest, coolest trend.
This turned out to not be true.
Ted was jolted back to the present when Jenkins banged on his drum again.
“My three band members play the bass guitar,” he yelled. “I am the drummer!”
Then, without warning, the band launched into a harsh, discordant mash-up of sounds. The drums were deafening. There was way, WAY too much bass, which was not a surprise, but still.
Ted instinctively rolled into the fetal position, and tried to go to his happy place.
Then the “music” stopped as suddenly as it had begun.
“You will be my stunt double in the music video,” Jenkins informed Ted. “Or my band will perform an extended jam session for Mr. Bojangles.”
Ted panicked.
His dog, Mr. Bojangles, had highly sensitive ears. There was no way he would survive a jam session.
Ted had no choice. He would have to be the stunt double.
Jenkins grabbed the flip camera, and they were off.
The next few hours were not fun for Ted.
It didn’t help that Jenkins kept thinking he was filming but actually wasn’t. That darn red button on the flip cam was hard to push in.
Finally, the band finally decided to call it quits after they froze Ted into a block of ice and realized it would take hours for him to melt out.
On the way back to Dubbs Corp they passed Hedger Corp and tossed Ted out of the car.
Grandma Bernice happened by at one point and bid him a pleasant hello. She did not inquire further.
The ice was slowly melting. Ted was chilly, but otherwise content. He was far away from Jenkins and his gang. And since he was ensconced in ice, there was no way he could work. He couldn’t do anything. It was actually nice to have this forced downtime. He made a mental note to freeze himself into a block of ice more often.
Next week: As Ted’s ice chamber melts, Chachi inspires a new employee satisfaction campaign that backfires spectacularly.
The Magician
Our recent ski retreat wasn’t the easiest trip.
Sue lost an arm on the slopes.
And if you recall, Chachi had lost one of his shoes during the “spider incident” last month.
As a result, he ended up NOT wearing a shoe to the mountains. He just had one bare foot.
In the snow.
He had been trying to warm his foot up all week, to no avail. And he really, really wanted that shoe back.
Bob, meanwhile, was plagued by flashbacks of his “ski instructor.”
Anyway, it was rough.
So I came up with a plan that would solve the shoe/arm problem and cheer everyone up, all in one fell swoop.
A Magician!
And his assistant!
Was it disconcerting that the Magician’s assistant had really strange arms? Maybe. Considering the Magician was here to repair Sue’s arm.
Hmm.
But there wasn’t much time to dwell on this because the Magician and his assistant quickly pulled Derek from the crowd.
Derek was NOT pleased.
The Magician mumbled something magical, and then asked Derek: “What do you want more than anything?”
A thought popped into Derek’s head, but he didn’t say anything. More than anything, he secretly wanted to own Chachi’s cool denim jacket.
POOF! One second later his thought came true.
Derek was stunned.
His emotions were mixed. Chachi was sitting right there! It was embarrassing to be wearing his jacket. But on the other hand, it was the awesomest thing ever.
In a flash, the Magician made the jacket disappear. Derek was asked to step back and Ted was called to the front.
Ted was beside himself. Wasn’t the Magician here to (A) recover a shoe and (B) repair an arm? Why was HE being asked to step forward?
With no explanation or warning, the Magician turned Ted into a potato.
Ted began to freak out.
Unfortunately, the Magician couldn’t remember how to undo the spell. Ted was rolled off to the corner.
To try and distract the crowd from this issue, the assistant started performing advanced gymnastic moves.
Finally, Chachi raised his hand and inquired about his shoe.
The Magician was happy to turn his attention away from the potato incident. He came up with a magic spell for the shoe, just as Grandma Bernice wandered in.
The timing was not good.
This pretty much sent everyone over the edge. First the potato, now this. Things were quickly falling apart.
The assistant realized he couldn’t possibly perform gymnastic moves advanced enough to deflect attention from the current emergency. He privately spoke to the Magician and urged him to restore Grandma Bernice’s head.
The Magician was secretly surprised that his restoration spell worked. Grandma Bernice wandered out as if nothing had happened.
It seemed like things were possibly getting out of hand. It was time to get down to business.
The Magician called Sue forward.
He waved his magic sheet-thing at her and dramatically yelled some magic words.
They were not the right magic words.
He tried again.
And again.
His next attempt was at least partially correct, in that it involved Chachi’s missing shoe.
At last, and pretty much by accident, the magician gave Sue an arm. It seemed to be the right size. It seemed to work. But her jacket was gone.
Sue decided this was good enough. Light applause broke out, led by the Magician himself. In the corner, Ted remained a potato.
Finally the whole potato thing had to be dealt with.
The staff rolled Ted into the center of the room.
The Magician prepared to do what he did best: Sub-standard magic.
Meanwhile, the assistant started stretching. There was a good chance he was going to need to deflect the audience’s attention yet again.
With a swoosh of the magic white sheet-thing, Ted became the latest in a string of attempts to reclaim Chachi’s shoe.
The assistant flew into a back-bend.
Then another swoosh of the sheet and Ted was back. Not perfect, but back.
As was the shoe, in its normal state.
The assistant performed a few “farewell” gymnastic moves while the Magician packed up.
Then he handed out his card. You never knew when someone might need an advanced gymnast/magic assistant.
Derek, meanwhile, couldn’t stop thinking about that denim jacket. Boy, he wanted that thing back.
Next week: A new campaign backfires. Separately, Ted is forced to confront his evil twin brother.
Ski Retreat
Last week, when I told the staff we were going on a ski retreat, they were less than enthused. They have no idea how to ski. They don’t WANT to ski. And they did not appreciate that I was making them use their vacation time for the trip.
The only one who seemed excited was Chachi. He sang the John Denver song “Rocky Mountain High” the entire way. With such heart.
When we arrived, we took a group photo. Unfortunately, Chachi was the only one who thought to dress for the weather. Everyone else just wore their work clothes. (Not a good idea, people.) Derek’s short-sleeved shirt was an especially poor choice.
It was getting really cold and snow was starting to come down, so we took refuge in a nearby chalet. It had a unique design, but provided very little warmth or shelter.
Chachi, ensconced in his attractive wool sweater, took a walk around in the snow. He happened upon a bunch of skis that looked like they were for the employees. He called everyone over to take a look.
The employees grew concerned. I had told them they would be taking beginner ski lessons. Yet some of the skis were clearly marked “X-Treme.” This seemed… not good.
Just then one of the instructors arrived via snowmobile.
He was an intense fellow with a strange shape to his head. And he was brandishing what appeared to be some sort of lightsaber.
Without a word, he kicked his snowmobile to the side.
Then he struck a pose and held it for a long, long time.
Finally, he swooped into another pose. Chachi seemed entertained but the rest of the crew was starting to freak out.
Suddenly, the instructor whipped around to face Ted. Then he stuck the lightsaber thing right up in his face.
“You,” he whispered.
He did a little leap over toward Derek.
“And you.”
Anticipation grew as the instructor paused… deciding who to select next. Snow was really falling. The powder was getting quite deep.
“YOU!” he shouted as he jabbed at Bob’s glasses.
Ted, Derek and Bob shuffled to the side, afraid of what was going to happen next. Meanwhile, Ann and Sue exchanged glances. Maybe they had been spared?
Indeed they had. Another instructor showed up — this one for Anne, Sue and Chachi. He was extremely awesome. They could tell that immediately.
Sue’s excitement was tempered a bit when her arm broke off.
Hmm. Not ideal.
Still, she soldered on. Sue, Ann, Chachi and the Awesome Instructor walked over to the magic carpets. The “carpets” were moving sidewalk-things that carried them up a very small bunny hill. Barely any effort required. This was going to be fun and SO awesome!
Things weren’t as awesome for the menfolk. The seemingly insane instructor forced them to carry their skis up an enormous cliff. Trudging through waist-high powder.
Up, up, up…
Finally, they reached the top. But this didn’t make things better.
Ted took a deep breath as he looked at the vertical drop-off. The instructor had no patience for this hesitation, and gave Ted a jab with the lightsaber.
That did the trick.
He did the same to Derek, who fell head-first into the powder and got stuck. Grumbling, the instructor continued to stab at Derek, half-heartedly trying to free him.
Back at the magic carpet area things were more awesome than ever.
After they made it down the bunny hill a few times, the group took a break in the nearby warming hut.
They cuddled, told stories and had a grand old time.
Meanwhile, Bob was about to die.
He stood at the precipice and put on a brave face.
Then the instructor appeared and started to shout things at him. Bob thought he heard the instructor say, “Here comes the kick!” Could that be right?
It was right.
Bob slid down, down, down until he reached a sheer drop-off…
… from there it was a free fall.
He landed with a thud next to the warming hut. The crew inside was too busy laughing and singing. They heard nothing.
Ted was not far behind. Down, down, down he went.
And Derek made three.
Things were bad.
But they were about to get worse.
The instructor did not want to ski down such dangerous terrain. He opted instead to take his snowmobile. But all his driving and spinning around created an avalanche below him.
A wave of snow rushed down the mountain and buried the guys.
Somehow the warming hut was spared.
The instructor arrived at the bottom of the mountain to see what happened with the avalanche.
Then he realized he didn’t care what happened with the avalanche. He just wanted some hot chocolate.
Eventually, Chachi realized there was a problem and dug the guys out of the snow. That Chachi. He’s the best.
Everyone reconvened near the water cooler that we brought from the office.
Had it been the best ski trip ever? Maybe.
But probably not. Sue’s arm broke clean off. The guys almost lost their lives. And Chachi’s foot basically froze because he had no shoe. (If you recall, the huge spider ate it.) The sweater was a good idea, Chachi, but replacing your lost shoe would have been an even better idea.
The ride home was rough, I’m not going to lie. Somehow Sue’s leg got detached as well.
But have no fear! I know how to cheer everyone up and fix Sue and Chaci’s medical problems all in one fell swoop! It’s a brilliant plan, and you’ll see it play out next Friday, April 8. Stay tuned!
New Story Coming This Friday
Hedger Corp. is taking one week off while the staff is on a ski retreat. Look for a new story this coming Friday, April 1! We’ll find out what happened on the slopes…
Ted rethinks his decision to wear his office clothes in the snow.
Spider Trouble
Derek arrived at work. And everything seemed normal enough…
Until he walked into a spider web!
He immediately launched himself into the “spider web dance.”
Sue walked in on this spectacle.
Then they both spotted the spider. It was creeping toward Derek’s briefcase.
At this very moment Bob arrived at work. He assessed the scene, and desperately wanted to leave.
But that would be so cowardly. Instead, he decided to leap up on the table and stay there.
Forever, if he had to.
Sue volunteered to kill the spider. She fetched one of Chachi’s shoes and positioned herself to make a deadly strike. Derek and Bob counted down from five, but at the last second Sue yelled, “Wait! Wait! Wait!”
This scenario repeated itself for 40 minutes.
It was clear that they would need another strategy.
Sue and Derek got to work, sketching out plans to kill the spider without getting anywhere near it. Meanwhile, Bob was assigned “spider monitor.”
Let me tell you, the creativity and hard work that was poured into the “Kill the Spider” effort was astonishing. The employees were operating at a level of productivity that was 40,000,000 times higher than normal.
The first contraption was a conveyor belt designed to transport the spider somewhere else.
Sue tried it out…
And it transported her…
back to the floor.
So… that didn’t work.
The next idea was more involved.
Really involved.
It ended up being a bit of an overkill. I mean seriously people, the spider is like a centimeter big.
Nonetheless they kept building at a furious pace. At one point Sue found herself looking for a place to plug in a huge USB cable.
Why did the contraption even HAVE a USB cable? It had seemed so important when they were creating the schematic. But she couldn’t recall why.
Eventually they realized their contraption was so huge they couldn’t even move it. Plus, they really weren’t sure what it did.
They decided to dismantle it and come up with another plan.
Then… something horrifying.
A freaking ENORMOUS spider. Beyond enormous. Bob dove over the wall, not caring if he lived or died.
In a panic, Sue and Derek jumped onto the table. The spider ate Chachi’s shoe in two bites, as if to say, “Weaklings, you have no chance.”
Then it moved over to feast on the orange chair. The only cool chair in the whole office.
Derek began to sob and throw up all at once.
It was at that moment that the most unexpected thing happened.
Bob returned, pushing a crate full of weapons.
Bob! The biggest chicken in the whole office. Yet here he was.
He had assembled a variety of things to try and defeat the spider.
The globe seemed an odd choice, but the scissors, broom, compass, fire extinguisher and cones were good. And was that… a GUN? Sue and Derek didn’t even want to know where that came from.
Sue ran out to set up the orange cones. They would serve as a signal to others to take a different route.
Then she began to heave items at the spider.
In another show of superiority, the spider ate the scissors in their entirety.
It was time for the gun.
Sue fired off a warning shot first.
Derek, who vehemently disagreed with this decision, tackled Sue to the ground.
She kept firing. But these shots weren’t a warning.
Meanwhile the warning shot ricocheted off the ceiling and came barreling toward Chachi’s cubicle. He was so engrossed in watching his aquarium he didn’t even notice the bullet whiz by.
In the breakroom things were looking desperate. The ammunition was gone.
Then Bob remembered that his “Defeat the Spider” kit contained one other item…
He held it up for the spider to see.
It was his old employee photo. Back when he had a Doris Day hairdo and a caterpillar mustache.
The spider seemed extremely disturbed by the image. It started darting around the room, crashing into things. Then it made a beeline for the wall.
It jumped over, much like Bob done had a few minutes earlier. But with a lot more grace.
Sue and Derek watched as the spider barreled through the front door of the building, seemingly running for its life.
It skittered right by Grandma Bernice, who noticed nothing out of the ordinary.
Back in the breakroom, Sue Derek and Bob tried to recover from their ordeal. Then Ted walked in. He knew nothing of the “big spider” incident — he had missed the whole thing. But when he saw the room he gasped. It wasn’t the state of the room that shocked him, it was the little spider. It was back, walking across a piece of white paper on the ground. And it frightened Ted deeply.
Without a word, Sue got up and walked over to the spider.
She crushed it with her bare hand.
Then she tossed it at Ted.
And just like that, she became a legend.
Coming Next: The employees try to bond during a ski vacation. But can they survive the slopes? Watch for the story on Friday, April 1.
The Temp Assignment
The week started out with a visit from Charles, our HR guy. He was wearing his weird tasseled shirt-jacket again. Doesn’t he own anything else?
Anyway, he announced that Hedger Corp was going to be hiring a temporary employee. There was a big project that had to be completed, and we knew none of the employees would do it.
Later that afternoon the candidates showed up for interviews.
I don’t think we attracted the cream of the crop…
But one candidate, Ben, did stand out. He was a young go-getter who was eager to learn and ready to work hard. Plus he had piercing blue eyes.
Unfortunately, right as Charles was about to hire Ben, Derek arrived with his niece, Bobbie-Jo. Derek insisted that she be hired as the temporary worker. She was trying to get into horse-grooming school, and she desperately needed some work experience for her resume.
Bobbie-Jo seemed pleasant enough. And dependable. But there was one problem: her arms were fused to her body.
Charles from HR insisted that we hire someone who could move their arms–at least a few inches up and down, side to side. But Derek argued passionately for his niece.
In the end they were both hired, with the understanding that Ben would lead the project and Bobbie-Jo would stand nearby and smile encouragingly.
Ann briefed them on their assignment.
Their mission was to go down to the basement and retrieve all the files stored on the old abandoned Hedger Corp computer.
It was something we had attempted a long time ago. The situation did not end well.
That was long ago, however. It was time to try again.
Ann went on to explain that no one knew what was on the old abandoned computer. There could be critical data–information that would forever alter the company’s future. She told Ben and Bobbie-Jo to print everything they found, organize the documents, and then present the information to the staff. Then she gave them a bunch of folders. The hot pink color was shockingly bright. It hurt Ben’s eyes, yet he couldn’t look away.
Down in the basement, they assessed the situation. The computer was enormous. And the room seemed like it hadn’t been used since… maybe 1989? Ben couldn’t be sure.
Off in the corner there were some posters. And a skeleton covered in floppy disks.
Both of them wanted to get the job done as soon as possible, but they had no idea what commands to give the computer. They took turns jumping on the keyboard, hoping to hit the right combination of letters, numbers and/or special symbols.
It didn’t seem to be working.
Ben grew frustrated. He thought this temp job would teach him about business, leadership and management. Instead, he was battling an ancient computer in a creepy basement with the remnants of a dead body in the corner. NONE of this had been mentioned in the job description.
He took a moment to gather himself. Then, as he was standing over by the New Kids on the Block poster, a strange thing happened. He felt the spirits of Jonathan, Jordan, Joey, Danny and Donnie whispering to him. “Hang tough,” they advised. “We’re gonna put you in a trance with the funky song.”
It was just the encouragement Ben needed. He took a deep breath, stood tough, and strode purposefully toward the computer.
Then he leaped into the air. A magnificent leap.
He landed, and moved about the keyboard, letting the NKOTB spirit guide him. Bobbie-Jo watched from the sidelines, impressed.
Ben’s moves were magical. And they worked like a charm.
The files automatically began to print.
About 80 hours later, Ben and Bobbie-Jo emerged from the basement, files in hand. The staff gathered around, eager to find out what had been stored on the old abandoned Hedger Corp computer.
The opened the files. But the more they looked, the more confused they got. What WAS all this stuff?
Gradually they realized they were looking at pages scanned from old clothing catalogs. Specifically, catalogs from The J. Peterman Company. There were things like this:
And this:
And this:
The computer also contained more than 5,000 documents featuring unicorns. No words, no explanations. Just unicorns.
A hard drive full of unicorns and old catalog pages wasn’t exactly the Holy Grail Hedger Corp had been expecting. It was hard to see how any of this would help the company. Really the only thing it was good for was decorating the breakroom.
Oh, but it DID inspire Chachi to get more daring with his wardrobe.
As for Ben and Bobbie-Joe, they were compensated with a huge pack of Juicy Mullet gum.
Ben was surprised. Where was the money? Shouldn’t they be getting a check? He didn’t enjoy gum OR mullets. And he certainly didn’t like them in combination.
Alas, neither Ben nor Bobbie-Joe had read the fine print on the contract they signed.
You have got to read the fine print, people. Let that be a lesson to you both. I’m glad Hedger Corp could teach you something valuable after all.
Next week: Things get out of control when the staff tries to kill a spider.
Sue and The Local Ice Cream Shop
As you might remember from the Mascot Selection Process, Sue is really into woodcarving.
Her work was even featured in a woodcarving trade magazine.
So when she heard about the National Woodcarving Convention, she knew she had to go. The problem was, it was quite pricey.
She wasn’t sure how she was going to get the money. Until last week, when she wandered by The Local Ice Cream Shop and saw a sign that spoke to her.
But Hedger Corp. has a policy strictly forbidding employees from taking a second job. She could be fired and lose her Hedger Corp salary and benefits, such as they are. Should she risk it?
Yes. She decided she should.
She would just keep her new job very, very secret.
She went inside and introduced herself to the boss, a young cheerful fellow named Danny. He was thrilled to meet her and asked her when she could start.
Faster than you can scoop a cone, Sue was an official staff member of The Local Ice Cream Shop.
The staff
Bart was in charge of Sue’s employee orientation. He explained that the shop offered three sizes of ice cream: Large, Huge and Ridiculously Enormous.
He also told her about the flavors. They followed an unusual naming convention.
Evidently, Danny had been a scientist/mathematician before he opened the ice cream shop. He thought it would be cool to create flavor names that had a science/math sound to them. No one had the heart to tell him that this was a bad idea. Such a bad idea.
The next afternoon Sue reported for her first official day. Danny had just received a huge ice cream cone that he was planning to display in front of the store, as a decoration.
Unfortunately, he lost his footing and the cone slipped down onto him.
He was stuck.
He started careening around, trying to break free.
But it was useless. The cone was there to stay.
The employees wondered what to do. Then Boone, the cowboy employee, had an idea. He brought his dog in, so the dog could eat the cone off of Danny.
This didn’t create an “ideal customer experience,” but it was the only solution the staff could think of.
Before Sue could worry about customer satisfaction, however, she saw something that nearly gave her a heart attack.
It was Bob from Hedger Corp.
He was seated in her section! If he saw her, he would realize that she had a second job and turn her in. She just knew it. After all, the Hedger Corp. Tattletale Reward was $100 plus a box of fresh and/or day-old donuts. No one could resist that!
Sue began to sweat.
She thought fast. She would need to wait on Bob, but do it in a way that would disguise her identity.
She decided to douse her face in flavor A68ZF/Yf9.
The “hiding the face” aspect worked, but Sue found it difficult to see where she was going.
Finally she made it to Bob. He was taken aback by the close and personal service. He ordered flavor X$#0000%r as fast as he could, so the scary lady would go away.
Back at the ice cream counter, Sue tried to collect herself.
But then, something even worse happened.
Techie Smurf, also from Hedger Corp, arrived with a date.
Clearly one of them was celebrating a birthday. And that meant the entire ice cream shop staff would need to gather around the table and sing Happy Birthday. Techie Smurf would surely see her and turn her in. Unless Bob saw her first.
Sue began to panic. What was she going to do!?
She began to formulate a plan.
First things first, she needed to “eliminate” the Bob problem.
While everyone was busy tending to business, she slipped back to the storage area…
… and emerged with a huge vat of caramel.
Danny was still immobilized, thank goodness.
Slowly and steadily, Sue tipped the vat of caramel over toward Bob.
Then she unceremoniously tossed him in. Head-first.
At that moment, she noticed the rest of the staff gathering around the Smurf table. It was time to sing!
Sue tried to hide herself behind someone’s Ridiculously Enormous order of flavor 8+8+8+K.
Unfortunately, it turned out the cone was for Techie Smurf. Sue was going to have to hand it over, thus revealing herself.
Techie waited for his ice cream, while Sue made a decision.
She did the only thing she could think of. She hopped up on a chair, held the ice cream high…
And dumped it right on top of Techie Smurf and his date, so they wouldn’t see her face.
Nearby, Bob was emerging from a caramel nightmare.
Unfortunately, this was the moment that Danny finally broke free from his ice-cream-cone prison. He surveyed the scene before him.
It wasn’t Sue’s finest hour.
She was fired immediately and received no paycheck.
She did, however, receive the vat of caramel. It was useless now that it had been exposed to Bob’s body, and Danny didn’t want it anywhere near his shop.
Sue took the caramel back to the Hedger Corp office and charged the employees $50 for every 10 minutes they wanted to spend frolicking in it.
They hung out in it for the rest of the week, and joyously ate the caramel as they frolicked. It was really disturbing.
As for Sue, she made WAY more money selling “caramel time” than she ever would have at The Local Ice Cream Shop. Woodcarving convention planners, get ready! Sue is most likely probably coming!
Next week: We hire a temp, but things don’t work out the way we intended… stay tuned!
Visit from a V.I.P.
Monday was President’s Day, and some employees thought they would have the day off.
Ha! Don’t be ridiculous.
But I did have a VERY special event planned. To prepare for this event, I met with the Building Security Guard.
I told him to assemble a security team. A VERY IMPORTANT guest was visiting, and we needed the proper protection in place.
Looking back, I should have been more specific about the type of security professionals I wanted. I learned the hard way that the Building Security Guard and I have different standards.
This rag-tag “security team” mainly wandered around threatening each other.
When the employees arrived they were none too pleased.
I told the Building Security Guard to take the team outside so they could “secure the perimeter.” Or at least “not kill anyone in the office.”
Then Chachi appeared to introduce the V.I.P.
It was a friend of Chachi’s… someone known to the world… someone GREAT.
The V.I.P. entered the room, riding on the back of our office mascot. It was a slow, dramatic entrance. But after a while the dramatic element started to fade away and it just became a really slow entrance. Why can’t that bull walk faster?
The guest was… Bill Clinton!
A president for President’s Day! You’re welcome, employees!
Of course, everyone wanted to shake his hand.
After greeting the staff, Mr. Clinton got out his Big Chart of Presidents.
He began speaking at length about each one.
Bob grew drowsy, and eventually fell asleep.
This was unfortunate because President James K. Polk looked uncannily like him. In fact, Mr. Clinton said, “Bob you are related to this man.” But Bob was completely out and heard nothing.
Then Mr. Clinton shared bits of wisdom and information he thought would be helpful to the employees and our business.
After this he launched into the longest, more drawn out speech of all time. I can’t even describe it. Here, you’re just going to have to watch it.
(Video not showing up below? Search Hedger Corp on YouTube or go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDW64_NfECg)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDW64_NfECg
At around 1:00 a.m. he finally wrapped things up and started handing out motivational stickers.
Good to see you, Mr. Clinton. Even if your visit DID last 15 hours longer than expected. Too bad the employees will still have to put in 8 hours of work after you leave.
Happy President’s Day!
Next week: Sue decides to get a second job at the local ice cream parlour.
What Happened on Valentine’s Day
Monday, of course, was Valentine’s Day. So I decorated the office with some festive posters.
Around mid-morning, the UPS guy arrived with an exciting delivery: A bunch of candy hearts the employees had ordered.
They place a big order for this candy every year. Not to give to anyone, mind you. They just like to eat it.
But this year things were different.
Bob, Ann and Derek started reading the nice sentiments that were written on the hearts…
And each of them could think of someone who deserved a nice candy-heart message.
Ann thought about Hot Mailroom Guy. Maybe this was the perfect time–and the perfect way–to announce the feelings she’d been hiding for so long…
Bob thought about Grandma Bernice, and how she had gotten rid of the leprechauns that were stalking him. I mean, yes, it turned they just wanted to give him money. But no one knew that at the time, and Grandma Bernice had acted selflessly and bravely.
Derek thought of his idol, Chachi, and decided he needed to send him a message via the hearts. He agonized over which hearts to send. Finally he decided on a mix of encouraging wishes, with a vague hint of a “Best-Friends-Forever” relationship in the future.
Then all three employees got ready to put their heart messages into inter-office envelopes.
That’s when the building security guard burst into the room.
This happens a lot. The guard loves to burst into rooms.
Most of the time he announces an emergency drill. He concocts all sorts of drills: Earthquake, fire, lightning storm, plague outbreak, barbarian invasion. You name it, the employees are prepared for it.
Today’s drill was “fire during a tornado, against a backdrop of civil unrest.”
He rounded everyone up and ordered them to evacuate to the parking lot.
This is where things took a turn.
While the employees were out in the parking lot, my personal assistant Chachi stopped by with a big tin of “Bittersweets.” These are candy Valentine hearts from one of my favorite suppliers, Despair, Inc.
I find the products created and sold by Despair uniquely fit the culture of our office. Over the years, I’ve ordered many items. I especially love the wall-sized posters. The latest one I tried out was called “Legacy.”
So when I learned that Despair made Valentine candy, I HAD to get some. I knew they would not feature boring, run-of-the-mill “Luv U” messages. And indeed, they did not disappoint.
NORMAL CANDY HEARTS:
CANDY HEARTS FROM DESPAIR, INC.:
See what I mean? Good stuff.
Were these messages “appropriate” for the office? Without a doubt, yes.
I asked Chachi to distribute the candy to everyone.
A while later, after the “fire/tornado/social unrest” drill ended, the employees were allowed back into the building.
But by now it was time for lunch. And this group DOES NOT like to miss any of their lunchtime. Bob, Derek and Ann rushed to finish what they’d started, and stuffed the candy in the envelopes.
They left their packages in the bin for Hot Mailroom Guy to pick up.
Maybe you can guess what happened next.
That’s right: A mix-up.
In their rush to get the packages stuffed, all three employees had accidentally put Bittersweet candies in the envelopes, instead of the nice candy hearts they were planning to send. It was an honest mistake. They hadn’t even noticed that new candy had been handed out. (It didn’t help that Chachi placed most of the new candy face down, so the messages didn’t show. Oh, that Chachi!)
Anyway, the whole thing got very awkward, very fast.
Derek’s plan to send Chachi some messages of encouragement and friendship didn’t quite work out. Chachi opened the envelope and saw a note that said, “I hand-picked these candy messages for you! From, Derek.”
Then he read the hearts.
The “Angel” heart didn’t make it to Grandma Bernice. Instead, she received a less-than-heartwarming message from Bob.
As for Ann? Well, the Hot Mailroom Guy opened his envelope while he was in the breakroom. But there was no “Crazy 4U” message to be found. Instead:
When Hot Mailroom Guy looked up at her, Ann gave him a knowing smile and nodded her head. Unfortunately, this made her look even more dorky.
She thought it was odd that Hot Mailroom Guy sprinted out of the room. Maybe he was just grabbing his wallet so he could take her out somewhere fancy.
But seconds later, Derek made an alarming discovery.
Why was there a candy heart with a bitter message on it?
Bob, Ann and Derek started looking around. Suddenly they saw dozens of Bittersweet candy hearts. They were all over! What was going on!?
With horror, they realized that their nice hearts–the ones they were planning to give–were still sitting in the breakroom.
Not good.
The mix-up became clear. Derek prepared to throw up.
He was interrupted by the UPS guy, who was back with “Part II” of my Valentine gift to the office.
It was Despair, Inc. poster, featuring a good reminder about whining.
It looked great, as I knew it would.
What a lovely addition to our breakroom. I could tell the poster really lifted everyone’s mood. It was a happy Valentine’s Day indeed!
Next week: The security guard returns–and brings friends. But this time there is no emergency drill. Instead, the guards are here for the biggest event that’s ever happened in our office. Don’t miss it.
Bonus: One last note on Despair: They’ve made some short, highly informative videos about the art of demotivation. Find them here.
The Staff Tackles Facebook
Where we left off: Chachi enthusiastically started a “Let’s Do Facebook!” club, and the employees reluctantly joined. But then I pulled him away and made him help my daughter deliver Girl Scout cookies.
When Chachi returned from the cookie outing, the employees were pretty much where he left them.
Sensing they needed a shot of team spirit, Chachi began chanting “Facebook! Facebook! Facebook!” Derek half-heartedly joined in the chant and lifted his arms a bit.
Eventually, everyone made it back to their computers, mainly to shut Chachi up. They started working on their Facebook profiles once again.
Bob, who had spent the past week being chased by leprechauns, had not even started his profile. He opened Facebook, ready to dive in.
But when he tried to create his profile, he received a strange message.
This was somewhat disconcerting. It was his first time visiting Facebook. How could he have an account already?
At that moment Grandma Bernice strolled in. Bob told her about the odd message. Grandma Bernice informed him that he did indeed have a Facebook profile. She was an active Facebook user, and had seen Bob on the site.
But there was more.
Grandma Bernice informed Bob that not only was he on Facebook, he was posting messages all day long. He was trying to sell things that he made out of gold.
In fact, Grandma Bernice had purchased one of his pieces of gold art, and had been displaying it in her front yard for months.
This was all brand new information to Bob. He’d never been on Facebook. He didn’t like gold. He didn’t like art. What was going on!?
He began to panic, and Chachi tried to comfort him.
Then Ted stepped forward with a confession.
He explained that before he joined Hedger Corp. he had tried to make it as an artist, specializing in “items made of out gold.”
He had even set up a website.
The business did not do well.
Penniless, he joined Hedger Corp. But we have a strict policy here. Employees cannot do ANYTHING that detracts from their work. No side businesses. No moonlighting. Certainly no websites that they set up just for fun.
Still, Ted had his dream.
So he decided to keep selling the gold items, but do it under Bob’s name. The fraudulent Facebook page was a natural next step.
The employees gathered around to see the page.
And indeed, there was Bob. On Facebook.
He was a very active user, posting several updates every hour. They all seemed to reinforce a similar theme.
Then, as Bob scrolled down his page, he saw something shocking. It was the leprechaun. He had commented on one of “Bob’s” posts.
Suddenly it all made sense. Why the leprechauns came to the office last week. Why they were interested in Bob.
But now they were gone. Banished forever. Along with all the gold they were planning to shower on Bob.
This was upsetting. He tried to keep his emotions in check.
Ted apologized and immediately began to take Bob’s fake Facebook page down.
He decided not to mention the Twitter account.
Chachi could see that the “Let’s Do Facebook” club was losing steam. So he proposed a new idea: A company page. He would build it, and the employees would not have to do a single thing.
He was speaking their language. Cheers erupted.
Then Chachi got down to work. He called me on his cell phone so I could help him a Facebook page.
We are both happy to announce that you will find it on Facebook under Hedger Corp.
Meanwhile, Ted took a moment to gather himself. To think about his future.
Maybe he should stop making items out of gold* (*imitation gold). Maybe the world wasn’t ready for his talents.
But damn. He had a lot of inventory to work through.
Next week: Valentine time.
hedgercorp.com 
