Ted Asks Dangerous Questions
The HR guy (who looks frighteningly like Prince Charming) interrupted the morning coffee break to introduce Ted, the new employee. Before HR guy could even finish the introduction, Bob dove for the last donut, so Ted wouldn’t get it. Welcome to the team, Ted.
Ted was curious. What DID Hedger Corp. do? He had expected someone to tell him during the interview process, but alas no.
Finally, he managed to get Sue to brief him. Using many charts and graphs, she explained that no one really knows what the company does. But whatever we’re were doing, we’re not doing it well.
Not satisfied with this overview, Ted went in search of answers. He snuck into the company file room and began searching through folders. Along the way, he found Bob’s old employee-badge photo.
After spending all weekend ransacking the file room, Ted finally uncovered a folder that looked promising.
Trying to keep his excitement in check, he opened the file. He was surprised to see a single sheet of paper… with an ominous message.
Ted froze.
He was suddenly very afraid of what he might see.
And his fears were founded.
An enormous neon-green sock was pulled from behind the file cabinets. And things went downhill from there.
Then he was fully ensconced in the sock. Everything went green.
After significant flopping around, he finally found the opening. When he emerged, he saw that the zombies had straightened up the file room. He appreciated that, but it did not change his resolve. “If you think you’re scaring me, you’re wrong,” Ted whispered, pretty much to himself. “I WILL find out what’s going on. Mark my words: I’ll find out!”
Productivity Retreat
Our recent Productivity Retreat took place in Hawaii, a location known for its workaholic ways.
Immediately after stepping off the plane, the employees were whisked to the Hedger Corp. Hawaiian office. There, they waited (and waited, and waited) in the open-air conference room for the Hawaiian employees to arrive.
Finally, they decided to pass the time by burying Bob. He was fine at first, but became alarmed when his co-workers made a move to bury his head.
Lucky for Bob, the Hawaiian employees arrived just in time to stop the live burial. Can anyone say “awkward meeting?”
The Hawaiian employees had prepared a “Productivity Demonstration,” due to begin at noon. As everyone got situated, Sue and Guy stopped by the breakroom for some watercooler chit chat.
Meanwhile, Derek seethed with envy as he checked out the corporate car that the Hawaii employees enjoyed. He was so blinded by jealousy, he didn’t notice the enormous pigeon sneaking up behind him — or the fact that Lance had gone still as a statue.
Finally it was time for the Productivity Demonstration. For 4 hours straight, the Hawaiian team remained in the same position. Just lying there, thinking about productivity. It was pretty amazing.
Sue was inspired, and tried the same technique poolside.
Derek and Bob gave it a go, as well. But they opted to float in the pool. Actually, Derek was floating. Bob (who has no idea how to swim) was slowly drowning.
Finally, someone tossed Bob a noodle. Once again, he had narrowly escaped death.
As all this was going on, Ann visited Nancy’s office. She was floored by the view.
She thought about her own office back at headquarters and became deeply depressed.
One extra large Mai Tai, please.
Ahh… that’s better.
Mahalo, Hawaiian employees, for teaching us the Ancient Island Method of Productivity. We will return for a refresher course soon.
New Cell Phone
When Ann requested a new cell phone, she was hoping for a small, sleek smart phone that would fit in the palm of her hand.
Sorry, Ann. We’re not made of money here. But you have received approval for a slightly older model.
Free Hairstyle Day
As a special perk, employees were treated to free haircuts at work. There was a lot of excitement about this news… until the stylist arrived.
The event was pretty much a disaster.
A Corporate Sponsor
When employees arrived at work, they couldn’t help but notice we had a new corporate sponsor.
Even the cubicles were sponsored. This was difficult for Sue, who was on a strict no-carb diet, and didn’t need to be reminded about Trader Joe’s delicious French toast.
Employees were especially excited to see the Trader Joe’s tasting hut. Bob tried the watermelon juice and immediately regretted it. He tried to dispose of his (still full) cup, but things got awkward. He sensed the Tasting Hut guy was on to him.
Later, the Trader Joe’s wine rep dropped off 20 cases of Two Buck Chuck. That pretty much put an end to the workday.
Team building workshop
On the morning of the team building workshop, Coach Kent arrived early, ready to lead an exciting and energizing seminar. He did some light stretching to prepare his body and mind.
I suspected the employees would NOT like the idea of a team building seminar. This is based on one time in the breakroom when they flat out told me, “We do NOT like team building seminars.”
So I had to trick them into attending. I told them there were donuts in the conference room, and they stampeded in there. Then I locked the door behind them. Looking back, I should have at least provided the donuts. At any rate, they were stuck. Ready to be infused with team spirit!
To get things going, Coach Kent engaged everyone in a timeless, mystical exercise: Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board. Employees lifted one another up, quietly chanting “Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Light as a feather, stiff as a board.”
Grandma Bernice cheated by using her walker to prop up Techie Smurf. Meanwhile Safari Dan, opted to pose dramatically on the podium.
Then it was time for a challenge: Employees were asked to draw a picture that represented the word “teamwork.” Safari Dan shocked the group by bringing in his own paints and creating a lovely portrait of Mr. T.
For the next exercise, employees had to list the strengths of their co-workers. Bob was lauded for his ability to grow facial hair and the fact that he occasionally brings in donuts. That’s pretty much where his list stalled.
At the end of the workshop, Coach Kent thought it would be a good idea to bring in a big cookie and have the group divide it evenly, symbolizing their new team spirit.
He was wrong. So very wrong.
Meet the interns
After a vigorous screening process that went something like this…
… Hedger Corp. narrowed the candidate pool and hired three interns. They are:
Grandma Bernice, whose walker appears to be fused to her hands.
Grandma Bernice, who AFTER being hired told us she had “heard of this doohickey called a computer” but she had “never actually seen one…until now.”
She kept thinking the laptop was a giant calculator, so we issued her a desktop computer instead. The good news was that she eventually figured out how to log on. The bad news: She would only use the computer to play Space Invaders.
In addition to Grandma Bernice, we hired Techie Smurf. He knows a ton about every tech gadget, social media tool, emerging I.T. platform – you name it. Derek had been our resident tech guy, but Techie Smurf put him to shame. Derek did not take this well. Thankfully, his sobs were drowned out by Techie Smurf’s thousand-word-per-minute typing.
Along with these two interns, we hired Safari Dan. All he does all day long is pose dramatically on office furniture. I can’t believe his references didn’t mention this. Thanks a lot, references.
Starbucks Run
Occasionally my employees accompany me on a Starbucks run.
When we get there, everyone assumes their positions.
Ann is in charge of ordering.
Derek is in charge of quality control, monitoring every move as the drink is created.
Sue saves my seat.
This particular trip was especially exciting because, as it turns out, Barista Jessica moonlights as an orthopedic surgeon. She was able to re-set Bob’s detached arm. And she made it look so easy!
While we waited for the drink, Ann chatted with a fellow customer.
Meanwhile, bob searched for his favorite scone.
This happens every time. I keep telling him, “The scone is too heavy, Bob!” But does he listen? No.
Finally the drink is ready to be doctored with Sugar in the Raw.
Another successful Starbucks run! Bob has his arm back and, most importantly, I have my coffee.
Security!
The building’s new security guard takes his job a little too seriously.
Costco Run
Bob (still missing an arm) spots something familiar in the breakroom. Meanwhile, employees rethink the wisdom of buying office supplies at Costco.
hedgercorp.com 
